You are emotionally unavailable, but not because you’re an asshole. You’ve been hurt worst than a one-legged orphan. Words can’t hurt your feelings anymore, you live in an eternal hell.
New York –
You aren’t from New York. You’re either from Connecticut, the Lehigh Valley, Rural New York, or somewhere far away from New York. You don’t care about football, but you do care about the leg size of your players.
If you’re not in prison, you just got out or are about to go back in. You are a criminal in the eyes of humanity. I challenge you not to throw batteries at Santa Claus this holiday season.
You probably tuck your shirt into your pants no matter the occasion. I also bet you put on a condom before you go into the ocean just to “play it safe”.
You go out to bars, talk to a hot girl for hours, and hit it off really well. Right when you go in for the closer you literally shit your pants. Everyone at the function points at you and says “oh my god, he actually just shit his pants”. You tell this story much differently, but we all saw it.
You are either an up-and-coming millennial banker or you can trace your ancestry back to Stone Wall Jackson. No in-between. Either way, you are subconsciously racist. The worst part is you still think the dab is cool.
New Orleans –
Saints fans would hire an assassin to kill their boss to get a promotion. #thisiswhyweplay
Tampa Bay –
You’re either the biggest dick rider of all time (Tom Brady fanboy) or you are the most loyal fan of a team in a terrible location. Either way, you are currently riding Tom Brady’s dick and stuck in Florida’s armpit.
Being a Green Bay fan is like having Magic Johnson as a friend and no one believes you. You’ve known him for 20 years, but all you have to show for it is 2 pictures with him. When you show people the pictures they, correctly, say “I feel like there should be more pictures”. You realize they are right and question your friendship with Magic Johnson. You realize you two aren’t friends, but you ran into him twice, which is impressive but not enough to tell people about it.
Do you shop at high and mighty? Yes. Does it take you several minutes to stand up? Perhaps. Do you plan your day around your 4 meals and 3 snacks? Of course. But listen, you fat fuck, you might be in a rough patch but you’ve got history, and not many people can say that.
Minnesota fans are the type of people to go out to eat, clean their plate and when the waiter comes back they say “oh it was terrible!”. We are still waiting for the first Minnesota fan to lose their virginity.
You’ve got heart, brother. Lions fans are like Forrest Gump when he goes to Vietnam. They aren’t killers, but they are fighters. God bless ya.
I actually can’t say anything about Cardinals fans. I’ve never met one. They live among us, eating and talking like normal people. They are soldiers of Larry Fitzgerald, awaiting his call for the revolution.
Seattle fans are the type of people to complain about whole milk in their Starbucks instead of soy, but would also kidnap a child to get what they want.
San Fransisco –
If you’re a Niners fan there is an 89% chance your hair is a primary color.
This might be the first time you found out LA has a football team. LA fans aren’t loyal, unless you’re from ST Louis. If you’re from ST Louis then you are the realest mother fucker around. Also because you’ve probably shot someone.