What Your Favorite Podcast Says About You

JRE: JRE is quite literally too big to generalize, which is going to happen when you have more people watching/listening to you than any major contributor from both Fox and CNN. A lot of women ask why guys like Rogan so much, and I believe the reason is that he’s mastered five arts while being 5’7. Rogan is probably the best interviewer on the planet for his ability to make virgins that haven’t left their labs since Kobe died to seem like real people. Almost every guy has at least been a casual listener of Rogan. Yet, the hardcore fans tend to buy in pretty heavy into his ideologies, which unoriginal comedians have parodied only thousands of times so far. We owe Rogan the world for putting the spotlight on pretty much every comedian that has popped off within the last five years. Some things are so universally liked that being vehemently against them makes YOU the asshole, for instance, dogs. JRE is in the same boat. 

Pardon My Take: Pardon My Take is the best commute podcast of all time, which is probably why their YouTube numbers are dwarfed by their streams. If you like PMT, you’re a guy that values the importance of sports as a break from the harsh realities of life. You’re such a loyal fan because three days a week, you hop in your car and head to a job with an asshole boss who undervalues you as all the people around you are pressuring you to get married to the girl you’ve been seeing on and off for two years. And for just forty-five minutes as everybody else in traffic is blaring their horns and screaming obscenities you’re laughing your ass off because Billy Football is trying to justify something that on the surface sounds so ridiculously stupid you wonder if he has CTE. Considering every gym’s playlist is just Red Hot Chili Peppers radio, many guys my age listen to PMT while getting a lift in. 

The Tim Dillon Show: You’ve been knocked around life a little bit. You’re frustrated. You’re not getting the Hinge matches you think you deserve. Maybe work sucks, or you can’t seem to find an internship for this summer. But for ninety-three glorious minutes, you get to watch a gay cocaine addict from Long Island vocalize things you’ve been keeping to yourself for years. You don’t trust the government, you hate “Big” everything, and your Reddit wrapped this year is something that you’re going to keep to yourself, if you know what I mean. You think less of everybody that you’ve shown clips of this podcast to that didn’t get it, as you should—life in the big city.

Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast: You’re a closeted conservative on social media, but once those Bud Lights start hitting, you aren’t afraid to tell your girlfriend’s annoying friend, Amy, that she’s a fucking idiot. You view Shane as a martyr because of what went down a few years ago, and you value Matt’s wise words and wit. You’re a guy’s guy who loves free speech and comedy. You don’t understand why so many people take themselves too seriously. Every straight male friend group has a chubby guy that’s a less-funny version of Shane Gillis, so listening to Shane and Matt riff off of each other is reminiscent of a more comedically advanced two AM drunk conversation with the fellas. 

Red Scare: While I know there are male listeners of Red Scare, their fanbase is primarily led by the most elite females on the planet. These women could probably beat me in a vast majority of political arguments and it would turn me on so fucking much. Non-binary ice cream shops in Portland will never be sexy enough to drive the US towards socialism, but these chicks just might. If you listen to Red Scare, feel free to slide in the DMs, I would love to smoke cigarettes with you and debate Nietzsche.

Call Her Daddy: What do you want me to say here? Obviously, this podcast is not for me. And while I’d rather be a middle eastern sixth-grader walking into an upper-middle-class middle school on September 12th, 2001 than listen to this pod, it has a MASSIVE fanbase, so there’s obviously an appeal. I do think it’s cool that Alex Cooper opened up the conversations girls have been having behind closed doors. My only criticism is to the guys that wear Call Her Daddy merch. Really, man? I’m sure you love that podcast, and contemporary feminism like my ex-girlfriend thought it was “really cool” that I cried to the ending of Moneyball after my ninth Miller Lite.