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What Your Flavor Of Chew Says About You

Everybody has their one favorite flavor of chew. Sure, if you’re desperate enough, you’ll have whatever your buddy has, but you always buy the same flavor. My best friend is Grizzly Wintergreen, mine is Grizzly Straight, and my dad is also Grizzly Straight. Mine probably has something to do with stealing my dads at 14, but regardless everybody has a favorite. I’ll be judging every different type of chew and what it really says about you.

Skoal Fruit Flavors

I’m no longer 14, so I don’t know if Skoal still sells every fruit under the sun, but I remember they used to sell Cherry, Apple, Berry, Citrus, and Peach. My very first chew was Berry Blend when I was 14. People who chew fruit flavors are either under 16, girls, or tell you no, I don’t like the other flavors, but I’ll have one of them.

Mint

If you chew mint, you fucking love heartburn. Maybe this is my thing, but the second Mint chew touches my lips, I get instant heartburn. People think that, hey, it’ll be like chewing mint gum; I love mint gum. Well, take that mint gum and have that bitch be on X Games mode that’s Mint Chew. If I’m in a pinch, I’ll take Mint, but I’ll be paying the consequences for the next couple of hours.

Wintergreen

If you like em, mean chew Wintergreen. This is a dumb saying that my friend and I have had for years, no idea if anybody else actually says it or what it really means. Speaking about dumb sayings, you can buy Rippin’ Lips Packin’ Dips hat which is another dumb saying that my friend and I have. This is the general population’s go-to for chew flavor. Everybody loves Wintergreen; it tastes good and is the perfect blend of making you feel like you’re chewing gum and not sucking on a plant’s leaf. For me, it’s my number 2; whenever I chew Wintergreen, it burns my lip really bad, and I can never hold my chew in for that long. That’s probably because of the nicotine levels and not the flavor.

Fine Cut

You give 0 fucks about your teeth if you’re dipping fine cut. It doesn’t matter how tight you pack your dip; before you get that chew in your mouth, you will have fine cut all over you like it has rained from above. There’s a 100% chance that you will have fine cuts all over your teeth after you’re done. You’ll end up inhaling some of this shit; it’s never a fun time with a fine cut.

Pouches

If you buy pouches, you have either convinced yourself that having a pouch in-between the chew and your lip is safer, or you’re a teenager with braces. Or you love wasting money. You convince yourself that there’s a certain amount of pouches, and you’ll only have a couple a day, and you won’t buy as much. Well, after a day of lying to yourself, you start to pack 3 pouches at a time, and quickly you’re burning through tins and money.

Timberwolf

I’m sure that other companies are cheaper, but whenever I think of dirt-poor chewing tobacco, the first thing that comes to mind is Timberwolf. These tins aren’t made of metal or plastic; nope, you get straight cardboard. You’ve looked at your banking account, and you see there’s only $2 left; you scrounge enough bottles and cans and loose money to buy a tin finally. At that moment, Timberwolf is the greatest chew, and you don’t care if a little water would disintegrate the entire tin.

Red Man

This is the real chewing tobacco. If you chew Red Man, you’re either over the age of 60 or love the thought of old-school chew. I don’t even know of other companies that sell chew like in huge leaves where you actually need to chew it. This is the chew that the kids in the Sandlot had before going on the rollercoaster and throwing up everywhere. I love myself some Red Man, but I hate it if I’m sitting inside; for me, it’s a strict summertime chew. Red Man is perfect if you’re fishing, hunting, or just chilling on the water. There’s a special feeling you get when you have a cheerful of Red Man, and you’re just letting mouthfuls of spit fly.

Straight

If you chew Straight flavor, you’re a real man, somebody who knows delicious flavors and is extremely smart. Am I bias because I chew straight? Hell yes, I don’t know what it is, but I’ve always loved the flavor of straight. I can keep one in for hours and not think twice about taking it out. For some unknown reason, the only downside is that a lot of cashiers think that straight is natural, and I’ve been given the wrong flavor a time or two because of that.

Natural

This shit will put hair on your chest. As soon as that chew touches your lip your voice instantly gets deeper, your balls drop a couple of inches, hair starts exploding from your face and beard. I don’t know of anybody who’s go-to flavor is natural. Hey if it is all I can do is tip my hat you’re way more of a man than I am.

What is your favorite flavor of chew tobacco? What did I miss? I know there are some strange flavors that Copenhagen has released, but I’ve never tried them. You know what goes good with packin a big ole dip is wearing this sick ass hat.

https://store.totalfratmove.com/products/packin-dips-rippin-lips-hat

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Written by Mailman Dave

Just a regular mailman who wants to sit around and write about sports​

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