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What Your Fraternity Says About You: ZBT

ZBTs are the type of guys that leverage their bar mitzvah money into starting a sludge fund that ends up getting made into a Netflix documentary after defrauding thousands of elderly people in the midwest out of their 401ks. The average ZBT could be at a post-game watching his friend Elijah DJ deep house music that sounds like a bad acid trip until 4:24 in the morning, then somehow get an eighty-eight on his midterm at 11 AM. ZBTs aren’t good dye players; they are great. They all either look like Chet Holmgren or Adam Friedland, and their champion hoodie collections are deeper than that one Brett Farve pass on the Vikings. ZBT’s are known for having sick hair, driving MILF cars, and getting yelled at by their formal dates for skiing too much when the theme was beach weekend.

Is every chapter of ZBT good? No, just like any other big fraternity. The kids are quick-witted and smart, and they roll more frequently than the Armadillo. Can they put back as much beer as an SAE? Fuck no. Do they share the same skin tone as Kristen Stewart? Yes. But they are a great fraternity that’s organized and knows how to throw shit. ZBT gets things done, and that’s why girls like them. They have an aggressive social schedule, and each member’s Venmo is full of shady transactions that will be blackmailed against them sometime down the line. ZBT gets my stamp of approval, except for that one kid in every chapter that’s still weirdly into sneaker culture.

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