Tequila: Uhhhh…Hola! Just kidding. If you drink tequila, you are bricked up. Odds are you care about your physical appearance- which people on this app like to pretend is a bad thing because they’ve lost their minds. You go to the gym four times a week at least, your YouTube algorithm is filled with more veiny white guys than a Bangbros studio, and you own a watch that you’re incredibly proud of. But more than anything, you’re on the prowl for someone to take home. You go to Miami once a year, where your friend takes a video of you exchanging saliva with a girl who dabbles in Columbia’s most infamous export. Tequila drinkers are the Brandy Mellville of boozers: they aren’t the most body-positive folks, but god damn, do they look good not giving a fuck about your feelings. Oh, also sorority girls.
Whiskey: Whiskey is for people that romanticize their drinking habits. Guys that read Hunter S. Thompson and could tell you stories that would make your brain Bud Dwyer explode. Whiskey is for people that have seen pain in their lives but, through that, create and enjoy the most beautiful art, comedy, and music the world has to offer. Guys that drink whiskey are profound until they can’t speak, they have at least one near-death experience in New Orleans, and their refrigerators are more barren than the woman’s restroom at a Jordan Peterson speaking event.
Vodka: What the fuck do you want me to say. Vodka is the I have a reference about The Office in my Tinder bio of drinks. You can tell a person rarely drinks if they order a Vodka Cran at the bar. You can tell a person drinks at least three times a week if they can legally purchase booze and walk out of the liquor store with a plastic handle. Vodka is like sriracha, and it goes with anything. You can mix it with the half-full bottle of lemonade you picked up from 7-11 nine days ago, you can make a well-garnished cocktail with it that a New York City bar would charge the Louisiana Purchase for, or you can drink it straight.
Rum: Rum is for people who view the world as their party. Rum is for the type of guy who wears a Hawaiin shirt and isn’t afraid to vocalize their disdain for someone because the world is their party…who the fuck invited that person? Rum is seen as a destination drink, but when you’re with people who drink rum, you feel like you’re on a vacation. There’s something about the first sip hitting your lips that instinctively makes you want to book a one-way trip to Scottsdale, Arizona, and download Jimmy Buffet’s entire discography.
Cognac: Hypothetically, if we were to pee at Yankees stadium and my eye (not on purpose it just happened) was to wonder by accident, and I saw you peeing, I would feel shame.