What Your Nic of Choice Says About You

Dip: 

Dip guys are strong minded guys. Men that poop with purpose. They are either the best guys you’ll meet in your entire life or the dumbest. Dip guys can go from doing the most intricate, precise work on your engine then turn around and go on a thirty-two-minute tirade about Michelle Obama being a man. This country wouldn’t FUNCTION without these motherfuckers, and they don’t give a fuck about your opinion. They like blonde women, Brantley Gilbert, and Billy and Spud.

Vape:

Vape is a little bit weird because it’s so convenient, and girls don’t think it’s gross, but at the same time…you’re a pussy. I’ve been in a vape phase the last two weeks, and today while I was on a zoom call with Northwestern MutualI, I had to turn off the camera to take a rip of what felt like gaseous skittles going into my lungs. There comes a moment in every man’s life when he rips a my little pony ass juice lush ice flavored vape when he thinks to himself…I’m way too old to be doing this. It’s an effortless way to meet women. Yes, they will use you, but if you’re funny enough, you have a foot in the door.

Cigarettes:

This is the most diverse group because sober cig people are a strange breed. They are either in shambles, or they are like…rich and European or something. You never see someone lighting up in an Acme parking lot at 2:32 PM and think to yourself, I bet they’ve had a normal life. Cig guys are either starving artists with trust funds named MARquese or guys named Bill that tip a little extra at Hooters because they think they have a chance. 

Zyn:

Zyn is modern medicine. Girls think it’s gross, but not that gross; the burn feels fantastic, and you don’t have to do cardio because you poop like a labrador retriever. The combination of coffee and Zyn hitting my stomach at 10:44 in the morning is actually Crimea. It’s accessible, and everyone has their own flavor that’s unique to them. That being said, I’ve never seen anybody that’s incapable of getting sunburnt Zyning. We are sort of in the “pre-Jackie Robinson” era of Zyn. And hey, let’s be real, when my light skin friends start Zyning, they will probably somehow do it better than me.