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Who wins in a fight to the death: Queen Elizabeth II or Sister Jean?

There are many immortals living among us, those who simply do not age and will continue to give Father Time a run for his money. Queen Elizabeth II, Sister Jean, Paul Rudd, and Brady all laugh in the face of time. I really don’t see any of these people passing away due to old age and natural causes, as I think natural causes would simply result in these celestials living for another thousand years. Especially Queen Elizabeth and Sister Jean. But what happens if they were to fight each other… to the death? Two veteran warriors in a deathmatch for all beings of the endless and timeless multiverse to watch.

Who would win?

Well, our experts (me) conducted intense surveys, a thorough research analysis, and flipped a coin to see which celestial ageless woman comes out on top. 

Queen Elizabeth II – 95 years old (we think)

Photo by @reuters (twitter)

Strengths: Over the years of world history, Lizzy has remained a figure of power for quite some time. In the process, she’s outlasted some of the most villainous and menacing adversaries known to man. She has the royal navy, air force, and army fighting behind her. She’s seen many wars throughout her lifetime and has been on the winning side for just about all of them. I don’t see any coincidences. While Sister Jean does in fact need a wheelchair to go mobile, Lizzy’s quite active for age. She’s got a warrior’s mind and she’s still limber enough to swing a sword to behead someone if she has to. Lizzy is an immortal knight who feels comfortable in battle and looks any fight right in the eye before laughing at it.

Sister Jean – 101 years old (again, we think)

Sister Jean Dolores Schmidt of Loyola University Chicago Quinn Harris-USA TODAY Sports

Strengths: While Lizzy may have the force of the British Motherland behind her, Sister Jean has God. This matchup reminds me of the psychological battle between Cersei Lanister vs the High Sparrow from the once groundbreaking television series Game of Thrones (Rest in Piss). I don’t think it’s in Sister Jean’s nature to fight, but if a battle is necessary, may the gods forgive us all as Sister Jean will have to sin in order to save us. There really is a spiritual force that flows through her. I mean Jesus Christ, she not only morphed the Loyola-Chicago Ramblers into a legit basketball program and sent them to the Final Four, but she predicted that it would happen many months before it took place. Some say that this resulted after long rituals of prayer, but I think her prediction came true due to the notion that her wheelchair may be a smokescreen for her true existence; an omniscient being that knows all, sees all, and cannot be defeated.

In the heart of March, I asked my instagram followers who would win in this matchup using a poll on my instagram story. Of my 1600 followers, 69% sided with Sister Jean, while only 31% rallied behind her majesty. While Lizzy may be a cunning mind and true veteran in winning battles… She has much to learn in the presence of the omniscient Sister Jean. There is no beating what you cannot fully understand, and in no lifetime will anyone, including Lizzy, fully understand the power and true existence of Sister Jean. I’m going with the fellow San Francisco native. Godspeed to any person who dares stand in the way of Sister Jean and her wheelchair. I pity that person, because it will not end well… at all.

But in all seriousness, it is incredible that these two ladies continue to hold such amazing platforms for their respective ages. God knows I have trouble doing it as a 21 year old.

What do you think?

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Written by Henry Marken

I lost my pinky finger at age 4, but then found it again at a soup kitchen when I was 15. Survivor of a wild turkey attack (2008). I went to the University of Phoenix before it was cool to do college online. Currently in a lawsuit with Crayola after a devastating purple crayon incident.

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