Why America is Better Than Your Country: England

America, frick yeah! Comin’ again to save the motherfrickin’ day, yeah

America, frick Yeah! Freedom is the only way, yeah

Terrorists, your game is through ‘Cause now you have to answer to

America, frick yeah!

I don’t have a publishable alternate for the rest of this song. Here’s why America is better than your country, if your country is England.

The Revolutionary War Stuff Was Not at All Chill

I’m don’t like tea, but I like wasting perfectly good products even less. The fact that England drove us to waste a bunch of perfectly drinkable tea should be indicative of how messed up their actions were. I’m not sure if everyone else’s knowledge of this is as in depth and layered as the one I acquired from public school, but that’s exactly what they did. In addition to this unnamed tea party debacle, they also taxed us without our ok, and shot bullets at us. I’m not even sure if England has since apologized for this lack of neighborly courtesy.

British People Ruined the Term Bloody

Using the word bloody as a catch all adjective is lazy. The word, “bloody” describes the movie Saving Private Ryan, or an unhealthy poop. It could’ve developed a cool slang meaning, for something violent, and cool. Instead, the British are wasting the word, saying things like, “Oi bloke. ‘Ave you seen me bloody wallet?” You know what was bloody? The Revolutionary War. England making light of this situation with the word bloody is simply disrespectful. 

England’s Breakfast Sucks

I have so many questions about England’s choice of breakfast food. Who decided baked beans should be put on the same plate as bacon and eggs? Why does all of their bacon and eggs look like their stove stopped working half way through the cook time? What is blood pudding, and why does it look like a fecal hockey puck? They need a culinary overhaul, and they need to start with the most important meal of the day. Pancakes aren’t that hard guys.

A breakfast only a starving person would eat.

The Ireland Stuff Was Also Not Chill

Did you guys know that the war being fought in the background in Banshees of Inisherin was between the British and the Irish? Apparently the British had some pretty bad control issues with Ireland as well. They took potatoes from the Irish people, and then shot bullets at them too. These guys are starting to appear to be a playground bully who is trying to steal the world’s lunch money, and try to beat other countries up. They should stop doing it, because it is not cool.

The Crown Sucks

I’ve never seen it. What I do know, is that I talked to this girl for a while, and she was watching The Crown every time I asked her to hang out. Even that one time I saw her in my neighbor’s house, she said they were watching The Crown. If it weren’t for that crazy British mularkey, she probably would’ve showed me her bedroom every one of those times I invited myself over to her house. 

There’s your proof. America is a better country than England. Rock, flag, and eagle.

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Written by TFM

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