As a man for the last 21 years, I have learned a lot of things in my time. Overall, it’s pretty cool and awesome being a dude. Here are my favorites:
Peeing Anywhere: This might be my favorite thing as a man. We can literally pee anywhere and it is so convenient. You can whip it out and nobody really cares unless you’re in front of minors. Please do not do that. This is also a major help at sporting events or concerts because our bathroom lines are so short and quick. So short and quick, you have girls hopping into line with you because they don’t want to wait for their bathroom.
Not Washing Hands: This goes along with peeing anywhere. You don’t have to wash your hands after you pee. Socrates once said, “If you didn’t touch the tip, you don’t have to wash your hands”. I live this every day of my life. And if you’re reading this right now and thinking, “Ew, that’s gross”. Get a grip and cowboy up pal.
Guy Conversations: Normal guy talk is so cool. I was hanging with my buddy the other day on our paddleboards, deleting a couple of ice-cold Coor’s Lights, and talking about the economy, our families, and the show “Vikings” on Netflix. The next thing we hear is a loud screeching sound of a girl saying “No, that’s the wrong angle”. We looked at each other and just thought about the possibility of us being in that same position and laughed it off as we both agreed that Vikings were badass. Men are so simple-minded and we take our relaxation time way more seriously. No Instagram, No Selfies, Just Vibes.
Sports: I am not saying girls can’t be sports fans, but something about a man and his sports team. Every man chooses his favorite team when he’s 8 years old and decides that team will completely dictate his emotions every weekend for the rest of his life. I have personally been heartbroken more by my San Francisco 49ers than any girl will ever do to me. Something about men and hyper-fixation in sports just goes hand in hand.
Group chats: The group chats we possess with our friends are sacred places. There are no rules here. I am sure if my group chats were released to the open public to read, I would be placed in a federal penitentiary for 30 to life. One minute your friends are calling you the dumbest and most idiotic person in the world, the next they are complimenting the way your triceps look when you send them a gym selfie. It is truly a wonderland.