Mailman Dave
You know Tony La Russa, the guy who loves to drink and drive, is crying about rules. Everybody wants to see dingers, and that’s what Yermin Mercedes did. Hey, it’s not Mercedes fault that the Twins were down 11 runs, and they put in a position player to pitch.
Did you see how far that homer went? It was fucking magnificent. This is like when you’re in little league, and the team has to put in the kid who normally rides the pine. What are you supposed to do, stare down the meatball that’s in the middle of the plate? No, you smack the shit out of the ball and go for the throat.
So the next time you see old crusty motherfuckers get mad online about the unwritten rules of baseball, here is the list.
1) Do not bunt on a no hitter
I can kind of understand this rule since no-hitters are so rare. Well, they were already this season; there have already been five no-hitters. 2021 is on pace for 19 no-hitters. I mean, it’s cool to see, but it can get very boring. Technically every pitcher starts the game with a no-hitter. Are you not supposed to bunt until you get a real hit first? What if it’s the 3rd inning, and you want to bunt? Would old asshats get mad about that?
2) Do not swing on a 3-0 pitch when your team is comfortably ahead
This is the rule that has La Russa stroking out about. What is defined as a comfortable run? We have seen teams come back from huge blowouts before. In 2016 the Mariners were down 12 against the Padres and ended up winning the game. What happened to play until the last whistle?
3) A pitcher shouldn’t show emotion and get mad if his team makes an error
Fuck that. If somebody fucks up, you should be allowed to be mad. Being able to throw 98mph fastballs that paint the corners takes an insane amount of talent, and you should be mad if your second baseman can’t handle a simple ground ball. We are allowed to get at our co-workers if they fuck up; why can’t the same be done in baseball?
4) Do not spend time admiring your home run
Baseball is a game of one on one for the most part. In hockey, basketball, and football, you need to defeat an entire team. In baseball, it’s mostly the hitters vs. the pitcher. If you have just dominated the shit out of the person, why not rub some salt in the wound? It makes baseball way more exciting, and I won’t complain about that.
5) Do not rub the spot where you were just hit by a pitch
Imagine getting smoked by a 90mph+ baseball and not being allowed to rub where you got hit? I wonder if this rule applies to Kevin Pillar after he got smoked in the face.
6) Do not swing at the first pitch if the pitcher has allowed back to back home runs
What happened to strike when the iron is hot? It’s not the batter’s fault that this pitcher has sucked and is letting dingers happen. All I can say to this is don’t suck.
7) Do not steal bases or work the count if your team is up by a lot of runs
The people who still want baseball players to follow the unwritten rules or the same old fucks think that younger generations are 10 ply soft. They will say that all millennium and gen Z kids want participation trophies. Yet they are the ones to say that players can’t do anything if the other team is down a lot. I love watching players steal bases, and it doesn’t happen enough now. If stealing while your team is up will get more stolen bases, I’m down.
8) Do not stand on the dirt near home plate when the pitcher is warming up, and don’t walk in front of a catcher or umpire when walking to the batter’s box
I combined these two because they are just rules that are for pitchers not to get butt hurt. I would love to see a player walk to the batter’s box, stop in front of the catcher and rip ass. I doubt the umpire would give the batter any balls, but god would it be funny. The next time I watch baseball, I’m going to make it a point to watch batters walking to the box.
Do you agree with all of these unwritten rules, or are they part of the dying breed of baseball fans?
Good post!