Alex Becker
President Joe Biden may be a coke head. If he is, I honestly think it helps his reelection chances.
According to the Associated Press, a mysterious white powder was found inside the White House on Sunday evening, turning out to test positive for cocaine.
Around 8:45pm on Sunday, July 2, the White House was evacuated for emergency services to do a test on the substance. After preliminary testing, the unknown powder was identified as cocaine.
So, whose cocaine was it?
Now, I know what you are thinking. Odds are it wasn’t Biden’s coke. Aside from physically resembling a thin white line of powder, Joe Biden has absolutely no connection to cocaine. The only way the remnants could possibly be his is if the substance was a combination of all of his pill residues mixed together.
A way more plausible suspect is Biden’s son Hunter who is known for his obscure sexual escapades, love of prostitutes, and flirtation with crack. Though officials aren’t identifying Hunter as a suspect, I think it’s safe to say that he crossed everyone’s mind as soon as this happened.
The cocaine was supposedly found in a common area of the West Wing of the White House. Out in the open as opposed to in a locked office or conference room points that it could have possibly been a tourist as guided tours often pass through the area in which it was found.
Certainly, there are two main suspects. I’m ruling out Hunter Biden on two accounts. Firstly, if it doesn’t take a spoon to melt down, Hunty is out. He’s all about that hard life. Second, Hunter is more likely to do his drugs in a secluded place such as the Oval Office rather than just out in the open. He may be a drug and sex addict, but he ain’t stupid.
That leaves just two culprits remaining.
Suspect #1: Tourist
Obviously most people will assume it was a rando on a tour. While possible, I find it hard to believe that someone would try to sneak coke into the White House. The risk to reward ratio is way off. You are entering one of the most secure buildings in the country with a highly illegal drug. That said, if you are able to sneak it past security, I totally get why you would rip a line once you’re there. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime story and kind of a celebratory gesture. It’s sorta like when you rip pen in the airport bathroom to congratulate yourself on a job well done.
Suspect #2: Intern
Though possibly a tourist, I believe the real person behind the coke is a White House intern. Think about it. Who has the easiest access to coke? Privileged pre-law college students. Who would know how to sneak something like that in? Probably someone who works there with a security pass. And who is stupid enough to try something like that? Just someone who wants to work in government. See, everything lines up. Now, to find out which intern it was just give them all coke and see who handles it like a pro. Whoever it is, that’s your guy (or gal, no discrimination here).
