Who knew Alex Becker was so helpful. After reading his blog titled, “How to Get a Girlfriend” I felt inspired to wash myself for the first time in three days and put his advice to the test. Then it dawned on me, I have been telling myself for years that the reason I don’t have a girlfriend is because I don’t want one. It’s not because of a lack of looks, charm, and inches.
As a result, I have decided to create a guide on how to not get a girlfriend. This is for the people unlike Becker, who is apparently too good to get the intimacy he needs from his right hand anymore.
Step #1: Be Yourself
This is a big one. Most people are too socially anxious to truly let their personality shine when they are in a social situation. These people cope with this stress by adopting a new personality. The problem with this is you might accidentally craft a personality that people like. To keep yourself undatable, don’t filter any of your thoughts. Fart when you need to, make politically incorrect jokes if they’re funny, and tell women when they are boring you. This will turn off nearly every single woman from you.
Step #2: Be Creepy
This one should make it impossible for the thought of you and a sexual fantasy to coexist in any woman’s head. One great way to do this, is to pick a fictitious serial killer to base your dialogue off of. My favorite is Anton Chigurh from No Country for Old Men. Speak in cryptic questions, look really intensely into their eyes, and maybe even make them fear for their safety. Start the conversation off by demanding they join you for dinner. Don’t waste time building a connection with this girl. Immediately let her know that you are not a good companion for her. After turning away 90% of the female population in step one, this will make it even more impossible for you to be attractive.
Step #3: Send Her Mail
After step two, there isn’t a woman in the world who will be interested in you. But people change, so if you want to guarantee your loneliness independence for the future, you need to finish this process. A great way to do this is to start sending mail to any girl you might be interested in. Send a love letter, but make it out of magazine clippings like a ransom letter. Or perhaps send her mayonnaise in bulk. I don’t know, just make it something unwanted, and unexpected. This will be a lot of things to her, and attractive certainly won’t be one of them.
Step #4: Secure a Restraining Order
If you’ve done all of the steps properly so far, this might take care of itself. Either way, you need to make sure the girl you’re trying not to date has a restraining order on you. You could get one on her, but then she could break it. If she has one on you, there is no threat of her wanting to see you. One way to do this is to stare into her living room window for twenty-four hours straight. If you are too busy to do this, a cardboard cutout of yourself is just as creepy to put in someone’s front lawn.
Step #5: Imitate the Killer from the Movie Series “Saw”
Acquire a mask, a tricycle, and start setting up elaborate plans to become a serial killer. I have never had to go through with this step, but have full confidence that it would work. Through ten movies that he inexplicably survives despite a diagnosis of terminal brain cancer, he is never seen with a woman once. I think this is because women don’t like tricycles, or masks. If you somehow maintained a woman’s interest through the first four steps, this will surely force her to move on.
Take that Becker, I did my tutorial in five steps. Congrats on your girlfriend, nerd.
