Today is National Girlfriend Day. BORING. While I could discuss the pros and cons of being in a happy committed relationship, I’d way rather stir the pot and piss the internet off by ranking some candies. We all know the most controversial candy rankings come from Skittles. Starbursts are too objective (pink, red, orange, yellow – anything else and you should be thrown in a room with padded walls for eternity) and M&Ms are all the same no matter the color. Thus, in an effort to cause as much debate as possible, I give you my official Skittles rankings.
Yes, this is truly what I believe. While I do love controversy, I would never compromise my snacking integrity for clicks. This is all legit.
#5: Green
You know you’re gonna wind up last when you can’t even decide what your own flavor should be. The green Skittle went from lime to green apple back to lime. I mean that’s more indecisive than your girlfriend choosing what she wants for dinner. Enough about the green Skittle’s detransitioning, though. The real reason green ends up last is because it’s too similar to lemon, but also worse. It’s kind of the equivalent of Venus Williams. No matter how much green tries to make a name for itself, it will always be compared to yellow — a match it will never win.
#4: Orange
This is where the controversy begins. See, I could have put yellow at the four spot. However, orange ends up taking it purely due to the fact that it struggles to find an identity. Whereas yellow is tart and knows it, orange tries to play both sides of the ball in the sweet versus sour debacle. Yes, I am aware that’s just how oranges are in general, but this is my list and I say orange is fourth so shut up.
#3: Yellow
There she is. The most divisive flavor imaginable. I know people who would put yellow at number one as well as some who would rank it dead last. That’s its beauty. For me, however, I have lemon dead in the middle. Sour candies have their place, yet certainly don’t belong at the top. There are times when I crave a bite of tartness, while other times I’ll avoid yellow completely. It all depends on my mood. If I’m game for a bit of sour, the yellow Skittle perfectly satisfies my craving. However, that feeling doesn’t occur as much as my desire for red and purple.
#2: Purple
I’m a grape guy through and through for the most part. From soda to liquid medicine to lollipops at the doctor’s office, grape is typically my go to flavor when possible. Yet, when it comes to Skittles, it unfortunately falls to number two. This is no fault of the purple Skittle, though. It does its job and knows its role. While not the best in the bunch, Skittles would not be what they are without purple. It’s kind of like Dwyane Wade on the Heat during the LeBron era. Essential to the team, but just marginally outshined by a generational talent.
#1: Red
Just like Vontae Mack in Draft Day, Red was going number one overall no matter what. I mean, it’s just undeniable. Red holds all of the Skittles together. Without red, Skittles would be lost and confused like the Average Joes without Peter LeFleur. Red is the captain of the ship. The leader of the pack. The king of the candies. Hell, we may as well call red Nick Saban the way it keeps everything in line. Let’s not kid ourselves, if there was no red, none of us would be buying Skittles in the first place.
