National Girlfriend Day: Things I’d Do If I Had One

Happy young couple taking selfie while enjoying boat ride on sunny day

While Becker and Beaves are arguing with each other about how to be single or get a girlfriend, I wanna talk about what I would do for my hypothetical future girlfriend.

August 1st marks everyone’s least favorite holiday in the world, National Girlfriend Day. Similarly to Mother’s Day, you don’t remember it until the day of. Like me, you found out it is National Girlfriends Day because the couple that has been dating since Freshman orientation in high school posted about it at 12:01 AM. I personally do not have a girlfriend because the last girl I had romantic intentions with rejected me, but here are some things I would do if I had a girlfriend.

Compliment Her Appearance: You know the feeling when your mom posts about your birthday on Facebook and all her friends comment on how handsome you are? This is how I imagine girls feel when you compliment their hair/nails/outfits/faces. AKA the best feeling ever.

Oklahoma Drills: Nothing screams “I love and appreciate you” like laying on your back, blowing a whistle, and meeting someone in the open field and bringing them down. The human body craves contact and I am sure my (hypothetical) girlfriend would love to bring back my glory days with me.

Take Her Out For Dinner: This is a no-brainer, girls love food especially when they have the illusion that you picked it out even though you’ve been making a list of all the places she’s talked about since the first date. I would even let her pick out the appetizer because it is National Girlfriend Day. AND THEY SAY CHIVALRY IS DEAD!

Mansplain Economics: Girls love listening to me talk about politics and the economy, especially my hypothetical girlfriend. I would make sure to explain all the intricacies of our economy and why inflation is so high.

Buy Her Flowers: Girls love flowers. I would head to the local store and pick up a nice bouquet of flowers for her to really show that I care.

Let Her Beat Me: Nothing would make me feel more loved than if my girlfriend physically assaulted me.

Written by TFM Stelly

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