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Puking In An Uber After a Spontaneous Concert

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At TFM, we love sharing the fucking ridiculousness and debauchery that our followers experience during their nights out. Unfortunately, not every crazy story can be communicated through a 20 second Instagram video. These are the stories that happen when you are too incapacitated, that is too crazy at the moment to whip your phone out, or legally require anonymity. We have been changing the format of these Craziest Stories blogs as more people are submitting them so thank you. Please enjoy… 

Anonymous-

It was my first year of college in Massachusetts, and just like in high school I was on the rugby team.  It was nice because just like in high school it gave me a group of buddies to absolutely get obliterated with pretty regularly without looking like too much of an alcoholic or drug addict. So it was the weekend of March 23rd and I was in the middle of hooking up with this community college girl when there was a knock at my door. So I jump up really quick and open the door butt naked with my head sticking out. It was a couple of the boys from the team telling me we were gonna go to providence Rhode Island for the weekend and party with our buddies who had a house at Johnson and Wales University. Naturally, I put on my clothes threw the girl out, and packed a bag to head out with them. We all chipped in for three kegs and got a bunch of liquor and drugs, etc. the night started off normal, having a few drinks, playing beer pong, a few rips of the bong, singing rugby songs, and shooting the boot. And after that a switch flipped, I’m not really sure what caused it, but more girls started piling in, one of our buddies shows up with a bunch of calzone stuff and starts making fresh calzones for everyone, a rapper shows up and starts shooting a music video. 

For me it gets a little hazy around this part, I start doing keg stands and taking Adderall, then I ended up with a bottle of menthol mint Dr. Mgillicuddys. I remember talking to this girl and getting an invitation for me and three of my buddies to go back to her and her friend’s house for the night, and as I was talking to her I fell down a flight of stairs and found the nearest toilet and pulled trigger to keep the night going. This is when my friend Matty Ice found me and told me to follow him, so we went across the street into some bathroom in a random house, and started doing a ton of nose candy (I can’t remember the actual amount) but when we were finished we went back to the party and I got a new bottom menthol mint and drank it as fast as I could. Then I blacked out for a little bit. Snapped to with my buddy Lambo pulling me up off the middle of the kitchen floor and saying we had to go somewhere. So we walk outside the house, it’s me and three of my rugby buddies and a bunch of girls. The first thing I see is a white Ford ranger with cloth seats and naturally, I open the driver’s side door and proceed to piss and puke all over the driver’s side. Then I get thrown in a Uber xl and that’s all I can remember for the night. 

I wake up in the morning in a random house, butt ass naked, in a wheelchair with a piece of pizza on my chest and a naturday in my hand. I have no idea where I am or where my clothes or phone or anything is. So I stand up, and start exploring, first familiar sight I find is my friend Lambo passed out in the living room with the Shrek menu on repeat snuggled up to some random chick, I keep moving to look for my stuff. I open up every door in this place and stumble into every room super naked still. Eventually, I find this girl half-clothed, ass up wearing my black “Terps Rugby” hoodie, so I wake her up and ask if I can wear that, explaining I can’t find anything else. So she takes it off and gives it to me and now I am just half-naked, like Winnie the  Pooh. I walk back to the kitchen to keep looking when I hear a knock at the door, I go and open it and there are two providence city police officers standing there, they ask what my name is, ask if I’m okay and if I’ve been kidnapped, and proceeded to tell me that my friends back at the other house put out a missing people’s report for the four of us, so I explain that we’re okay and they go on their way.

I start walking back up to the room I found my hoodie when Lambo starts laughing uncontrollably. He points out that I just talked to the police half-naked with a giant cum stain on this hoodie I hadn’t noticed and convinced them that everything was okay. I continue to the room and lay down in bed with this girl and fall asleep. I ended up finding the clothes I wore there but no wallet or phone or backpack. A few months later I had to drop out of school, get married, enlist into the coast guard. And 9 months later I was a dad. 

What a great start to fatherhood… and thank you for your service

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