TFM
The new iPhone was just announced, and it appears to be the exact same as all of the recent models. Despite this, the most basic model of the phone will run customers 1,000 dollars. The big version is an extra 200, if you really want your friends to know you’re rich. If you are a reasonable person, though, you can instead choose to spend your money in better ways. Here are some examples.
77 Pounds of Apples, and a Full-Size Freezer
This is the correct way to invest in apples. You can buy a ton of apples, but you would need somewhere to store them. So for 900 dollars you can buy a full size freezer for fruit storage, and still have enough money to buy seventy-seven pounds of apples. This is about 230 apples. This is a much better use of a thousand dollars, assuming your phone still works.
16 Pairs of Jeans, 10 Flannels, 16 T-Shirts, and 1 Skeleton Footie Pajamas from Old Navy
Why replace a perfectly functional phone when you could give yourself a new closet for the fall. Old Navy has much better value to offer than the Apple store, so go in and have yourself a Pretty Woman-style dressing room montage. Save the footie pajamas for last, because they are the best look by far.
500 Powerball Tickets
You’re more likely to get struck by lightning than you are to win the lottery. But when you multiply your odds by 500, I bet that’s no longer the case. Don’t check my math on that. Just trust me that this is a better use of your money than buying a new iPhone.
An Exciting Thirty Seconds on a Roulette Table
If you spend a thousand dollars on an iPhone, you have irresponsibly spent a thousand dollars. If you put a thousand dollars on red, you are doing the same thing. The only difference is, you get thirty seconds of thrill only matched by competing in the Roman Coliseum, and you might leave with two-thousand dollars.
Four Hedgehogs
If dogs are chick-magnets, imagine what four hedgehogs would be. You can name them after your favorite Sonic characters, and they’d all be friends with each other. I don’t really know what hedgehogs do, or how you care of them, but I still think this is a good use of a thousand dollars.
