While my coworkers Beavers and Becker have incredibly simple standards (female with a beating heart) some of us here at TFM need some degree of class from the women we want to sexually disappoint. With that, here is my list of the biggest turnoffs in a girl.
She Has a Septum Piercing
Of all of the things I don’t understand (a list that includes quantum physics, Helen Keller writing a book, and most foreign languages), I think a woman putting a horseshoe through the middle of her nose is at the top of that list. Other than the fact that it looks like you have symmetrical boogers hanging out of your nose, the main reason is that the only thing I see is this:
She Owns A Cat
If, “Do you want to come play with my cat?” isn’t a euphemism for intercourse, I’m going to punt that thing off a bridge. In all seriousness, though, if I have to pretend to enjoy the fact that a girl has a pet cat, it’s never going to work out.
She’s an Equestrian
If a girl’s primary hobby is riding horses, side effects of a relationship with her can and will include: psychotic outbreaks, physical harm, and neighing during sex. The collection of characters in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest were more sane than any given group of horse girls.
She’s Way Too Ripped
My relationship with physical activity is about the same as my relationship with Livvy Dunne: non-existent. Sure, I’m fatphobic when it comes to my attraction to females, but that doesn’t mean I want to wake up next to the female version of The Rock. A six pack on a woman is essentially a six pack of non-alcoholic beer: I don’t want it.
She’s On OnlyFans
If you’re reading this blog, odds are that you’re not nearly sexually experienced enough to pleasure a woman that’s riding a nine inch dildo in videos that middle-aged Persian men pay to watch. I’m no different. I’m also far too insecure to handle the fact that all of my friends would simply be able to pay to see my girlfriend naked if she had OnlyFans.
She Says She’s “One of the Guys”
No woman has ever been “one of the guys.” If a guy told you that, he’s either trying to sleep with you or making fun of you. It doesn’t matter how tight you think you are with any given group of men. You are not actually a part of the group. Claiming that you are is an easy way to let people with Y chromosomes know that you kind of suck.
Yeah. So. Sorry to any women out there who embody any of these things. It is a big turnoff in a girl, and that’s that. Time to make some changes in your life, I guess.
