Cinema Cures: Wedding Crashers

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Welcome to Cinema Cures, where I will be ranking movies. We are not looking for how many awards the movie won, what critics think of it; we care about one thing, and thing only; is the movie a good movie to watch while hungover? When you’re hungover as fuck you don’t want to do anything. All you want to do is melt into the couch and veg out on movies and tv shows. I’ll be ranking the movies from the bottom shelf, mid-shelf, and top-shelf. There are four factors for grading a movie for hangovers. 1st criteria are there any loud parts of the movie? You already have a splitting headache. You don’t need a movie to make your head explode. 2nd criteria are there any crazy lighting that makes you feel like you’re in a vortex? You don’t need a light show to make your head swim and your stomach flip. 3rd criteria are there any gross parts? You already are trying to hold down the beer and liquor you drank last night; you don’t need to watch guts or vomit reminding you of the explosive vomit you had last night while you were blackout. You don’t want to throw up those 3 cheeseburgers you ate at 4 in the morning. 4th criteria is the movie easy to follow? You don’t know how you got home last night; you don’t need to get lost in a movie.

Today’s movie is a hall of fame comedy made in 2005 Wedding Crashers. Starring Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Bradley Cooper, and Rachel McAdams. Wedding Crashers is regarded as one of the all-time comedies, and I can’t disagree. But is it a good hangover movie?

For rule number 1, are there any crazy loud parts of the movie that makes your head want to explode? It’s a comedy, so it’s not crazy loud, but there are some loud parts. The Shout montage is kind of loud, but it’s Shout which is the greatest wedding song ever. Shout is played at every wedding, and from the 70-year-old grandma to the little kids, Shout will make you get up and dance. Nothing like having drunken idiots jumping up and down screaming Shout. Everybody knows the dance; all you have to do is jump, and when the volume gets turned down, and the singer is whispering, you dance closer to the ground and then explode again. I don’t care how hungover you are; hearing Shout and seeing people have the time of their lives will make your zombie ass wiggle your foot. Hopefully, you’re not shaking old vomit off of that foot. Weddings are always loud, so there’s loud music, but it’s not bad enough to cause your head to want to explode.

For rule number 2, is there any crazy lighting? This one will be short and simple no it’s a comedy that takes place in wedding halls, and on a sweet island.

For rule number 3, are there any disgusting parts of the movie? We will start with the gross part, which is when Sack gets poisoned and is throwing up. You don’t see any vomit, but you hear him hurling. The opposite of gross is when you get to see Kitty Cats’ tits. I wrote about Jane Seymour being an all-time movie MILF, and if you’re one of those people who are horned up while hungover. Pull out the tissues for the scene when Kitty Cat breaks into John’s room. You motorboating son of a bitch. When I was rewatching this movie today, I watched it on Fubo, and Wedding Crashers is played on Freeform. They just skip the entire motorboating scene and the Kitty Cats’ boobs.

For rule number 4, is the movie easy to follow? To break down the plot of Wedding Crashers, it’s a romantic comedy, but the comedy is fucking gold. It follows the simple romantic comedy tropes. They made up a rulebook for crashing weddings, and I took it upon myself to write down every rule that they said. Rule #32: You don’t commit to a relative unless you know they have a pulse. Rule #16: Have an updated family tree. Rule #76: No excuses, play like a champion. Rule #6: Do not sit in the corner and sulk; it draws attention to you in a negative way. Rule #1: Never leave a fellow crasher behind. Rule #115: Never walk out on a fellow crasher in a funny jacket; this is a made-up rule. Rule #5: You’re an idiot, another made-up rule.

The official Cinema Cure ranking for Wedding Crashers is that it’s a top-shelf hangover movie and might be the GOAT. Regardless if you’ve seen this movie a hundred times, you can melt on your couch and watch this movie. The only concern is that your head and stomach might hurt from all of the laughing. There’s so much to love about this movie, from the Will Ferrel scenes, the hunting and football scene, seeing Jane Seymour’s tits, Vince Vaughn, and Owen Wilson putting on a masterclass in comedy. If you want to watch this movie on repeat for an entire day while you’re dying on the couch, I won’t blame you.

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