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Convicted Killer Found After Two Weeks in an Eagles Hoodie

Now that he’s caught, I have to get two things off my mind about Danelo Cavalcante. The first is that he has a really catchy name, despite being certified garbage. The second, and more important part of this story, is that he is giving Eagles fans a bad name. 

Cavalcante escaped a jail in Chester County two weeks ago, and has been on the run ever since. The convicted killer crab walked up a prison hallway, onto the roof, and out of the facilities where he disappeared into Chester County. When on the run, he stole a van, a rifle, and an Eagles’ hoodie. Cavalcante just wrote me an in-depth plan of what to do should I find myself in prison. Escape, and go Birds. 

I’m not embarrassed that a murderer is repping the same football team that I’ve built my personality around. Ted Bundy and Bill Cosby both went to the same college as me, so I’m familiar with associating with psychopaths from a distance. I just wish Cavalcante wasn’t so much of an idiot. The guy didn’t leave Chester County in two weeks. 

Let me be clear, the guy stole a van, and didn’t even drive it an hour away from the prison he escaped from. In two weeks, he could watch The Shawshank Redemption and Gone Girl a dozen times each, and then try to come up with a plan after that. I bet he would learn one crucial detail from both films… it’s important to leave the scene of the crime after committing it.

Thank God Cavalcante is heading back to jail. He kills people, is dumb, and is probably a Jalen Hurts hater. An orange jumpsuit seems to be more of his speed anyway.  

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Written by TFM

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