As much as there are people out there who will try to convince you that there are no experiences that only guys can understand, I’ve never come into contact with any woman who knows what I’m talking about when I bring these things up. Ipso facto, those people are completely wrong.
A Group Chat During Any Kind of Sports News or Event
The average guy group chat is pretty much the comments section of any given Adam Schefter Tweet, but in this case, you know all the people that you’re calling “casual fans” and accusing of being “pathetic losers with nothing better to do than sit around and put out some of the worst sports takes of all time. I hope you die, you stupid piece of garbage.” The second that something big (or not that big) happens in the world of athletics, a group chat of college guys debate it with more competence and passion than were seen in the last twenty years of Presidential debates.
The Love/Hate Gambling Relationship
Your average man’s typical relationship with the casino or his FanDuel account is more “Will They/Won’t They?” than Ross and Rachel on Friends. It’s a constant back and forth from “I’m the greatest bettor of all time, and I may never have to work a day in my life,” to, “I’m deleting every sportsbook app from my phone. Gambling is stupid, and I’ll never make another deposit.” The latter is almost always false, and when your friends call you out on the first NFL Sunday of the season, you’ll scream, “We were on a break,” for the next five seasons and become one of the most overrated shows of all time. That last part might be specific to Friends, actually.
The First Porn Pop-Up
Early in every guy’s masturbatory career, he makes the jump from going on Google Images an X-rated website. It’s actually a pretty magical and eye opening experience, until a pop ad telling you that your device is riddled with viruses takes away your boner and will to live in a matter of milliseconds. Years later, you’ll laugh at the fear that you felt, thinking that you’d have to place your iPod Touch down on your kitchen table and admit to your parents that clicking “Hot MILF Teacher Gives Student Private Tutoring (NAKED)” gave you every malware the internet has to offer. It’s hilarious after the fact, but one of the most terrifying things every guy has to experience.
Sorry, women. You’ll never understand the complexities that come with waking up at full wood with a desperate need to pee. First, there’s the awkward shuffle to the bathroom. “Will I run into my roommates? Should I tuck this thing?” That’s followed by the “ass a foot and a half back” maneuver to give yourself a shot at getting most of this in the bowl. “I should’ve grabbed my protractor. No way I can eyeball these angles.” Finally, you grab some Clorox wipes to clean up the mess you’ve inevitably made. “Only a little bit on the ceiling today. Nice.” Come to think of it, there may be some new style women that can understand this, too. You know, the ones with penises.
Other experiences that only guys can understand includes the following: taking a shit. Girls don’t poop.