TFM
The makeup of any given fraternity can be as unique or stereotypical as your point of view will have you believe. Crazy how that works. But even if your fraternity is as diverse as a 2023 Adidas commercial, there’s always going to be five frat guys that are staples of every dude’s Greek life experience.
Charlie Sheen
Aside from starring in one of the best sitcoms of all time, Two and a Half Men, Charlie Sheen is also known for his copious drug use. Every frat has one of these dudes in it. You’ve never seen him fully sober, though he tells you he is when all he’s done is smoke an entire eighth, and while he’s destined for rehab, he’s a great guy to have around when you’re looking to augment your night with schedule one narcotics.
Rip Van Winkle
This is the guy that pulled a Brett Favre and decided not to go early alum. Instead, this dude made the choice to stick around the frat way past his prime, have a steep drop off in both likability and performance, and possibly send elicit pictures to women that didn’t want them. You were still sleeping with a night light when he rushed, and now he brings his kid around to barbecues and kills the vibe. In his eyes, he fell asleep a pledge with a growing nose candy addiction and woke up as an eighth year communication major with a child, crippling debt, and a fully formed coke problem. Like he says, “Time flies when you’re having fun.”
Magic Johnson
This one is going exactly where you think it is. His skills are impressive, but by the end of his time in the frat, this dude will have the body count of a damn good MLB batting average. He’s had chlamydia seventy-seven times, but it hasn’t stopped him and doesn’t look like it will. Dude’s destined to end up full of AIDS.
Leonardo DiCaprio
It wasn’t that big of a deal when he was a pledge, but now that he’s a graduating senior, this dude’s ideal woman is becoming more and more creepy. While the rest of the upperclassmen guys abandon frat mixers for bars and women that are no longer teenagers, this guy plants himself firmly in the middle of the dance floor and hits on girls that had braces less than a year ago.
Nate Reuss
Every fraternity has one of those guys that was a ton of fun and really involved for a short period before falling off the face of the earth completely, much like the lead singer of fun., Nate Ruess. One second he’s singing “Just Give Me a Reason” with P!nk and the next he’s nowhere to be found. The stories of this dude’s glory days will remain essential to the frat culture for years to come, but his whereabouts will be borderline impossible to determine after just a year out of the spotlight. In case it wasn’t clear, I’m really worried about Nate Ruess.
