in

Five Things More Intimate Than Sex

Sex is the most intimate activity on the planet, right? Wrong. While being literally inside of one another is most definitely towards the top of the intimacy list, there are still a few things ahead. Here are five things more intimate than sex.

Accidentally touching hands while walking

You know when you’re walking with someone and the two of your swinging hands accidentally touch for a second. Well, that’s somehow even more intimate than fully holding hands. You know it’s not purposeful and immediately yank your hands away from each other. It’s almost as if it were forbidden. Oh how taboo. Kinda makes the two of you feel like Romeo and Juliet in a way. And yeah, Shakespeare is way sexier than plain ol’ intercourse.

Making eye contact with someone yawning

One time I was on a public bus and this homeless man stared directly at me while he yawned. I swear I have never felt more connected to a person in my life. It almost felt like he could see through me as his eyes penetrated my entire body. I wish I could’ve looked away but his glare was like a magnet pulling me towards him. It only lasted 10 seconds but that’s pretty much true for sex too.

Going to the doctor

Doctors legitimately treat you like a piece of meat. Between them weighing you, checking your penis growth, and having you hand them over a full cup of piss, a doctor’s visit is pretty damn intimate. They’ll just ask you extremely deep stuff too like “why do you feel the need to consume ten alcoholic beverages per night?” Like, I don’t know dude. I didn’t realize this would turn into an episode of Dr. Phil. The only thing that could make you more vulnerable at a doctor’s appointment is if they decide to check your prostate. Now that is intimacy.

Squeezing into a seat on the subway

Everyone knows if there is a buffer seat on the subway separating two strangers, you leave it be and stand. That’s because maneuvering your way between two sets of thighs feels like you are reentering your mother’s womb. If you do slide into a seat next to two strangers, expect your knees to touch theirs and your asshole to be clenched harder than a cocaine smuggler.

Hitting a wet vape

A lot of people have terms for proper lip conduct when it comes to passing vapes, joints, or pens. While I cannot say how I usually refer to the use of saliva when hitting a communal device, I can say that people who don’t abide by the rules are jerkoffs. Inhaling a vape just to get the last person’s mouth juices with a hint of mint will make you feel as if you are wearing that person’s skin. While that may be Hannibal Lecter’s dream, it sure as hell isn’t mine.

Avatar photo

Written by Alex Becker

2 Comments

Leave a Reply

To comment, fill out your name and email below.

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Titanic 2: Billionaires and X-Box Controllers

The Top Twelve Months of the Year to Drink