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Five Things No One Actually Does

There are a bunch of things in life that are commonly thought of as universal like brushing your teeth or peeing in the ocean. However, I think there are a bunch of these small acts that used to be universal, but have become outdated. Here are five things that I don’t think anyone actually does.

Tying Your Shoes

No one is out here untying their shoes everytime they take them off just to retie them back on. It just doesn’t happen. Every sane person ever is simply using their other heel to slip out of their shoes and then cram their foot in the sole to put it back on. If you truly care about keeping your shoes in perfect condition, at best you will use your hands so as to not scuff the heel but that’s about it. At this point in society, shoelaces are just useless as airplane seatbelts.

Washing Your Hands After Peeing

Did you pee on your hands or something? Unless you did, there is absolutely no reason to being washing up after. If you use a urinal correctly, the only thing you’re touching is your pants. If your hand comes in contact with the urinal or your urine itself, clearly you are doing something incorrectly and should use the gender-neutral bathroom so you can drop your trousers to the ground like the toddler you are. Even if you end up coming into contact with your ding-dong, honestly who cares? You wouldn’t wash your hands after touching your arm or leg. If anything my Johnson is the cleanest part of my body considering how infrequently I use it.

Separating laundry

We’ve all seen some sort of sitcom where a lone red sock turns all white laundry pink. First off, who the hell is wearing red socks? Secondly, this hasn’t happened since before the alleged moon landing. Look how far technology has come. There are fake robot people on Snapchat that have conversations with us and sex dolls so realistic that Discord mods are getting married to them. Obviously washing machines are advanced enough to handle lights and darks at the same time. At this point, laundry has been desegregated just as long as the school system.

Counting sheep

There’s just no way that anyone actually does this to fall asleep. How did someone even come up with this? And why sheep? Maybe I could see someone counting until they fall asleep like surgery, but that has more to do with the drugs than the numbers. It’s no longer biblical times, if you really can’t fall asleep either take some drugs or masturbate. Both are way more fun and effective than playing shepard.

Thinking a face tattoo is a good idea

I know I see them everywhere, but it’s gotta be some body dysmorphia mental illness thing, right? I just don’t believe anyone actually thinks this is a good look.

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Written by Alex Becker

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