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Foods that are Anti-Aphrodisiacs

I recently learned what an aphrodisiac is. I find the concept of a food that makes you want to plow a little far-fetched. Maybe it’s because the of what swings sits between my thighs, but I could go for a sex most of the time. In my experience, there are way more foods that make you want to not have sex than the other way around. Here is a list of foods that are anti-aphrodisiacs.

Cupcakes

You know who has ever looked masculine eating a cupcake? Not a damn person. If Arnold Schwarzenegger came through the window to my living room holding an assault rifle and eating a cupcake, I’d have confidence I could whoop his ass. This is because every man looks like a dainty little lady when eating a cupcake. No woman is going to be attracted to you while you are eating a cupcake, and the testosterone it will soak up from your body will likely remove your sex drive anyway. This is unless you pull the bottom off and put it on top of the icing to make a sandwich. That is badass, and should be viewed as an entirely separate dessert.

Hot Dogs

You want to put something long and penis shaped into your body. That’s fine, you won’t be putting penis shaped things into other people’s body that evening, though. No woman will even consider you a viable sexual option after seeing you eat a hot dog. Hot dogs are delicious. If you must eat one around a woman, eat it like it’s a corn on the cob.

Chili Cheese Dogs

Did you not learn your lesson with hot dogs. You’re still shoving a penis shaped food into your mouth. The only difference this time, is you are going to be covering your face in tomato sauce and melted cheese. You might as well order this by saying, “I don’t want to have sexual thought for forty-eight hours.” Every boner in a ten-mile radius goes flaccid every time someone eats a chili cheese dog.  

Nachos

Nachos are delicious. They should exclusively be for solo diners and groups friends. If you order nachos, no one is going to talk about the fully loaded ones sitting in the middle. Yet everyone will be aware any time a fully loaded nacho is selected. This creates too much social tension for a food dish. A strong friendship can handle this, but a sexual relationship cannot. If you and a potential sexual partner get nachos, one of you is probably going to resent the other. Though, it is a guarantee that neither of you will end up horny.

Bloomin Onion

Full discretion, I haven’t been to Outback Steakhouse since I was twelve years old. I didn’t touch the Bloomin’ Onion because what eighth grader likes onions? I remember it sat there like a mini basketball that someone cut open and drowned in grease. Keep in mind that the restaurant is Australian themed, and the servers like to have fun with that concept. Also, my father made some borderline sexual moans while eating this. Until those memories leave my head, the mention of a Bloomin’ Onion is enough to make my penis go inside out.

Garlic

Garlic is known for killing two things. Vampires, and erections.

Fish

Do you know why Jesus was able to feed so many people with a few fish and some loaves of bread in the bible? Because the first 200 guys were trying to bang Mary Magdalene so they passed on the fish. That’s right. These guys were starving to death and thought they’d rather not eat then eat fish, just in case they could bust one more nut on their way out. Fishy smells in the bedroom should never be coming from the man, and that’s all I’ll say.

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Written by TFM

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