Four Things That Excite All Dudes

Men are simple creatures excited by the smallest of things, meaning this list could technically go on forever. Yet for time’s sake, here are four things that are sure to put joy into any man’s heart (and penis).

Long pisses

Maybe this one is just me, but I love a good hearty piss. It makes me feel healthy and powerful, especially if I’m in public. If I’m taking a leak at a urinal and a guy comes part-way through to join me but finishes before me, I automatically think I am a better person than him. Stream power is important. It accentuates your masculinity and proves to everyone in that bathroom that you are not to be messed with. Anyone with a weak stream is either dehydrated or has a small bladder and needs to learn to hold it for longer. In my mind, the longer and stronger someone’s piss is, the more they know how to please a woman. Bonus points if it’s clear too.


Obviously this was making the list. All guys love boobs. I recently had a gay dude tell me that he too loves tits and honestly I’ve never felt more connected to that community. When I say that men get excited by boobs, I don’t just mean the sight of them. Literally just a mention of gazongas will grab a guy’s attention. They don’t even need to be great tits. Big, small, white, not white, even old — it doesn’t matter as long as they have nipples and don’t just belong to a fat man. 

Crafting parlays

All men want is hope. It’s why we bet and it’s especially why we love parlays. Sure, the odds we hit our 12-leg bet are slimmer than an Asian pageant girl, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. What if tonight is the night that Killian Hayes finally puts up a 50 burger and you miss it? You’d feel like an absolute idiot. But as soon as you put in your week-saving Sunday Night Football SGP it feels like anything is possible. Mahomes could easily throw for seven touchdowns, and if he does Kelce will probably catch three of them, so why not throw $10 on it if it can net $5,000? You’d be stupid not to. Crafting parlays isn’t about winning. It’s about the possibility of winning. We bet for the chance at a better tomorrow, no matter how much it may financially impact us today. There is no better feeling than hope and every time you click the “place bet” button, you get a small bit to hold onto.


I think I speak for all men when I say that all we look forward to during the day is dinner. It’s why we ask our mom/girlfriend/roommate “what’s for dinner” as soon as lunch is over. It’s the only thing that gets us through the day. Technically we get excited for all meals, but dinner that’s the holy grail. There’s nothing we like more than chomping on delicious meats and the excitement that comes with finding out what meats we will be feasting on is like no other. Just do not tell us that dinner is salad or we will go apeshit.

Alex Becker

Written by Alex Becker

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