I’d like to start this blog by recognizing the fact that the past couple weeks have’nt been the best VinegarStrokes content. I’m aware, but I’m done fucking around. It’s time to get down to real writing and leave the silly stuff in the past.
I want a sugar mama really fucking bad.
In my honest opinion, I think every guy wants one. After a brief back and forth not long ago with someone who DMed me on Instagram claiming to be a 40-year-old woman (all signs point to a saggy pair of testicles and a hairy cock being behind that screen), the idea of having a sugar mama has really been at the front of my brain. I’m not saying I’m into older ladies (I’m also not saying that I’m not into older ladies), but to me, having someone give you a weekly allowance in exchange for texting them all day sounds like the best fucking job of all time – and that’s coming from someone who sold weed completely legally for a year.
I was, however, recently laid off at my other job. That’s right. Laid off. I’m fucking twenty, and I got laid off. The new owners of the company really spun me around, bent me over, and fucked me, but that’s not really the point of this blog. The point is that I now need to find some kind of job that’s going to give me the spending money to buy a 30-rack and order $34 dollars of McDonald’s on any given Saturday night allow me to begin my future financial planning. And if you haven’t guessed, making minimum wage spending nights with my lips planted firmly on some corporate lawyer’s asshole so I can take home a 7% tip (that’s right, Conall, I think waiters deserved to be tipped) isn’t something that would be right up my alley.
That’s why I’ve got my sights set on a sugar mama, and I’ll be honest with you, money is really enticing to me. Obviously I’d never fuck her (unless she’s hot), but up to that point I don’t think there’s much I wouldn’t do. Shirtless pic? More than happy to show off my very average torso. Foot pic? Why the hell not! 4K video of my shitting into my shoe? Fuck it. As long as the price is right, I’ll do and say pretty much whatever this broad (is that an offensive word now?) wants. Just give me enough money to sustain the borderline degenerate lifestyle I’m currently living, and I’ll be okay.
If anyone has advice on how to go about this, I’m all ears, but in the meantime: if any of you out there reading have a mother, sister, aunt, cousin – fuck, a grandmother even – who is in need of “companionship” and has some money, feel free to let her know I’m ready to be her guy. I’ll be accepting applications in my DMs from now until whenever I get a MILF financing my vices.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I haven’t jerked off in two days, so I’m about to have a glorious orgasm and sleep like a baby.
-Strokes
