Lies Your Parents Told You Growing Up

Your parents are filthy liars, and dirty hypocrites. Do you need proof? Here are some common lies that parents tell. See if you can remember hearing them as a child, and think if your father still deserves that, “#1 Dad” mug. I bet it can go in the trash along with the image you have of the people who raised you. 

“Just be yourself. They’ll like you for who you are.”

Kinda, but not really. Everyone had to cut a few corners to socially blend in, and you weren’t special enough to be the exception. You had to be a needy dork to make friends like everyone else. Don’t believe me? Go deep in your memory and play back a conversation you had at a middle school lunch table, you insufferable phony. 

“You don’t have to drink to fit in. No one will judge you for saying no.”

You don’t have to drink to fit in. But you have to drink to fit in with anyone who is drinking. I would never condone underage drinking… on the internet. But I will say that your high school friend group is determined by a shared consumption of a lot, or no alcohol. This means our parents were telling Jussie Smollett level lies. 

“I’m too old to do lawn work.”

Dad, if you are reading this, and I know that you are, I still haven’t gotten my revenge. It is nothing short of cruel to wake up someone up at eight in the morning to mew the lawn and pull weeds. It’s even more cruel when that person is in the prime of their self-pleasure career. Have fun in a retirement home big guy, because I haven’t forgotten this lie.

“You look great. Let me take a picture of you.”

What they meant to say was, “I know this is your prom night. As a result, I’ll be nice for now. But I need to commemorate this moment to roast you for the rest of your life.” Don’t worry about it. Even movie stars’ prom pictures look bad. 

“You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up.”

This is true. Only if you want to be a teacher, nurse, Uber driver, accountant, account manager, junior marketing assistant, personal trainer, cook, mechanic, or blogger. Otherwise, you are definitely going to settle for one of those jobs instead. 

“I wouldn’t have done that at your age.”

Well, dad had two beers, then made it pretty clear that the only reason you weren’t smoking weed at my age is because you were doing a lot worse. All of our parents misbehaved the exact same way we did at our age. The catholic ones typically did the most drugs too. How else would they find god?

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