It’s a slow news day. There’s a million headlines every day, but most of them aren’t fun. So I’m going to make up some headlines that I could imagine, but definitely did not happen.
Kanye West Spends $12 Million on his Dog’s Birthday Party
Did Kanye do this? No. Would Kanye do this? Yes. It would also be the top story on the New York Times website. Don’t believe me, look at the coverage of his recent sushi dinner.
Taylor Swift Once Asked Matt Damon “Where is the Bathroom”
If this story was mentioned on a podcast or Instagram comment section, it would blow up. I imagine every news company has a J. Jonah Jameson type whose entire job is to stay up to date on men Taylor Swift talks to.
Woman Who Killed Husband Said, “He watched two episodes of our show without me.”
The type of news I see the most when looking for stuff to write about is weird death stories. By far. People die for stupid reasons. This one seems plausible, as I can know four or five couples that I could imagine ending for this reason.
Donald Trump Likes Oatmeal: “Not the Cinammon Apple kind though”
I’m not political, but I know way more about Donald Trump’s personal life than any of my grand parents’. He can’t take a dump without a Washington Post photographer on site. If Donald Trump enjoyed hot cereal to start his day, we’d know about it.
WATCH: Florida Man Helps a Family of Ducks Cross the Street
I’ve found that positive news headlines are few and far between, and they come when you’d least expect them. Florida men are typically in the headlines for wild behavior. That’s no different here, as the street is a six-lane highway. The title’s sometimes focus on the good part.
Dyslexic Disc Golf Player Sends Dick Pic to Divergent Director
Alliteration in the headline? Check. Loosely related to sex? Check. Involving someone in Hollywood you don’t know? Check. Yup, that headline works.
Chaundey Phillips and Rachel-Cameron Smith-McHugh Fight Over Cobb Salad in New Real Housewives Episode
How is this show still on? How is still news? Most importantly, how are any of the cast member’s names real? News companies everywhere, please stop publishing these. I beg you.
Bungee Jumping Operators Say, “We forgot to attach the harness,” Before Tourist Fell to Death
I would’ve thought this is an impossible news headline to read a few months ago. I’m telling you; the news is full of death. Every story is really dark, or really dumb.
Water Pollution Levels Reach G4.6, Which Scientists Say is Bad
No one knows what the hell you are talking about. Just say that the water is bad and move on.
New York Man Sleeps On Top of a Moving Subway
Only felt right to end it with someone doing something in New York you thought was impossible.