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Man Arrested for Banging a Tree

I’m back to report about some more nature related kinks. This time, a man had passionate sex with a tree in a crowded park in England. The man was first seen hugging and kissing the tree, before stripping naked and beginning his stump hump. Roughly twenty-five people witnessed this happening, and many of them called the police.  

Courtesy of SWNS

I don’t understand why people need to do their weird sex stuff in public. I’ve seen enough messed up headlines to know that there is too much misplaced horniness in the world to stop people from banging inanimate objects. This story broke the day after police found a Penn State professor engaging in some strange behavior with his border collie. Can’t these guys just buy a doll off amazon, or use a couch cushion or something. Stop bringing your screwed up desires into the public. 

The guy who banged this tree was probably on drugs. The question we must find out, is whether this man thought the tree was something more traditionally attractive, like a human woman? Or id he actually love the tree for itself. Either way, this dude was a very passionate lover. I’d imagine, most people stick their dick in and leave when boning an inanimate object. This man took the effort to make sure the tree had a good time as well. He engaged in foreplay, and took his time pleasuring the tree. If trees could talk, I’d imagine this one would’ve consented. 

I want to know if there is a word to classify this behavior. Is there an all-encompassing word for people who have sex with nature? Does this affect this man’s sexuality? Or is this just entirely chalked up to this man being a psychopath? I’m guessing it’s the last one. 

Also, give me credit for going through this whole blog without making a single “wood” joke. It was low hanging fruit, and I left it there. 

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Written by TFM

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