Women stress about things like pregnancy and periods and finding love. Maybe other stuff, too, but you’ll have to ask them about that. If you didn’t guess it by the title or me clarifying that I don’t know everything that women stress about, I’ll now be telling you about the most stressful situations in a guy’s life.
Texting a Guy You Don’t Know
The dynamic of texting a guy that’s a complete stranger is one of the most needlessly stressful situations that any guy will have to go through. I’ve never consulted anyone before texting a woman, but if I’m hitting up some random dude, you can bet that someone will have proofread it. There’s a weird gray area between seeming like a loser and seeming like you’re coming onto the guy, and it isn’t an easy one to hit.
We men typically have a limited number of toilets we feel comfortable crapping in, and adding a new toilet to that roster is not an easy thing to go through. The first time you poop somewhere foreign – think about at a girlfriend’s house – there are a few questions to answer over the next five to seven minutes. Can this thing handle poops of my size and length? Is it a one flusher or a panicky plunger type? Is the bathroom soundproof or does the toilet turn it into an amplifier? What’s the toilet paper story? Bad answers to any of these questions are terrifying, so that first poop in a new place is always stressful.
Getting a Haircut
Women like to say that they get bad haircuts or don’t like the way their hairdresser did it. What’s different about a girl getting a haircut she doesn’t like versus a guy is that with a guy people will actually notice. Even if you go to the same barber every time, he’ll eventually have an off day, and when that comes, you better pray it isn’t you in the chair. Haircuts can make or break your confidence for a month at a time, so watching it fall away when you go is twenty-five minutes of praying you make it out alive.
Time Crunch Jerk Off Sessions
Sometimes you have time to light a candle and put on Marvin Gaye when pleasuring yourself, other times you’ve only got five and a half minutes to go from half-chub to fully-rubbed. You know that you performed at speeds like this before. Now the pressure is on because the last thing you want is to be caught red-boner-in-handed when the doctor comes in to do your eye exam, though. If it weren’t for the orgasm, it might cause an anxiety attack.
Getting Pulled Over While Drunk
I’ve never had this happen to me, personally.
That’s because I’m a great drunk driver. That’s because I never get behind the wheel while intoxicated. With that said, I imagine the feeling of seeing lights flashing behind you while driving home from the bar after eleven beers is one that will cause your driver’s seat to become one of those foreign poop spots I talked about above.