I can’t even pretend to know anything about this draft. Most of my knowledge relates to the fact that Victor Wembanyama’s gap on rest the field is almost as big as his master of ceremonies probably is. Since I know as much about basketball as I do about pleasing women –try to get it in the hole– I thought I’d rank the top ten players based on the vibe they give.
Pick #1: San Antonio Spurs: Anthony Black- PG, Arkansas
This guy’s vibe is immaculate. Black possesses one of the best afros the draft has seen in years, and a nice-looking smile to go with it. I’d love to grab a beer with him, but I’d love to see him go first in the draft even more. Also he dunks on people, which is cool.
Pick #2 Charlotte Hornets: Gradey Dick- SF, Kansas
This is the prototype for someone your slightly racist dad is going to love once he gets to the league. All he does is shoot, and play hard. He also seems like a good dude, and a real glue guy for any locker room he’s ever been in. Fun bonus, his last name is Dick, and that’s funny.
Pick #3: Portland Trail Blazers: Amen Thompson- SF, Overtime Elite
Amen is a great name. You can make a ton of jokes with that on the court. He also seems like a good dude. He passes the vibe check with flying colors.
Pick #4: Houston Rockets: Kris Murray- PF, Iowa
As a junior from Iowa, I’m guessing he did that waving thing their football fans do to the children’s hospital near the stadium. Good in my book.
Pick #5: Detroit Pistons: Victor Wembanyama- C, France
This man has LeBron James level hype, yet he seems down to earth. His vibe is good, but not on the same level as his skill set, so he falls here. He’s making me open my mind to the country of France.
Pick #6: Orlando Magic: Kobe Bufkin- SG, Michigan
He seems like a pretty neutral guy most of the time. But he just looks like the jolliest guy of all time in his head shot. Bonus points for that, but it wouldn’t kill him to pick up the vibe a little bit more.
Pick #7: Indiana Pacers: Dereck Lively- C, Duke
Seems like he’s a good guy. But this guy spells Derek wrong. What the hell is that about?
Pick #8: Washington Wizards: Bilal Coulibaly- SF, France
I don’t know anything about him other than the fact that he was Victor Wembanyama’s teammate. If you’re going to be Victor Wembanyama’s teammate, you might as well just be Victor Wembanyama. And I thought we were cool, France.
Pick #9: Utah Jazz: Scoot Henderson- PG, G League
Immensely talented, zero emotions. Have some fun just one time. I don’t think he gives off the vibe he thinks he does.
Pick #10: Dallas Mavericks: Cam Whitmore- SF, Villanova
This guy went to Villanova. Growing up in the Philly area, I once heard Villanova referred to as, “Villa no fun.” That was hilarious, and since then I haven’t trusted people from there. It’s not personal, Cam.
Undrafted: Brandon Miller- PG, Alabama
He was involved in the death of woman, and despite being legally cleared, it’s still a bump on the vibe scale. The tipping point for me, is that he recently said his GOAT is Paul George. That vibe will be nowhere near any team I have control over.