People I Would Un-Alive if I Could Get Away With It

In shocking news to no one that has ever met me personally or read more than four of these blogs, I hate many people and many things. That actually used to be my blogger profile until I changed it recently. As much as I’m sure you all care about that, let’s get to what you’re really here for: people I would un-alive if I could get away with it.

Jackson Mahomes

I’m sure no one is going to be particularly against this one, especially since it came out that he sexually assaulted some lady in an attempt to keep his lie of being heterosexual going earlier this year. To put it in perspective: Patrick Mahomes beat the Eagles in the Super Bowl last year, sending me into a depressive spiral for weeks after, and I still feel bad for the guy because his brother is a living, breathing dick pimple.

The Guy Who Changed HBOMax to Max

The aggravation I feel every time I mistakenly speak “HBOMax” into my remote (because I’m lazy and don’t want to click the app icon that’s bookmarked to my TV’s homescreen) and then have to go back and say “Max” instead is nothing compared to how pissed off it makes me that no improvements were made to the actual streaming service. I mean for the love of quesadillas, is there really not a better way to sort things than alphabetically after putting out ten “popular” or “for you” options in a genre? And then there’s the fact that they give like eight total genres to pick from, and by my count they could have at least eleven, maybe even more. Screw this guy.

People Whose Last Names I Can’t Pronounce Well

I’m looking at you Alex Stelmaszczyk. We’ve been working together for months now, and I have zero clue how to pronounce that jumble of consonants you dare to call a surname. If it weren’t for the fact that you put out blogs that get reads on this website, I’d find you and give you an ultimatum: change your last name to “Jones” (for comedic purposes) or suffer the wrath of what I remember from the four online karate videos I watched six years ago.

Pedophiles That Don’t Star in Movies I Like to Watch

I’d like to pretend I’d be happier if all pedophiles were expunged from this planet, but have you ever seen a Kevin Spacey movie from the 90s? The dude was on fire. Here’s me openly stating I hope he makes a full-fledged return to Hollywood. All the other non-talented pedophiles can go, though. I don’t like them.

Osama Bin Laden

Upon further investigation, the internet has informed me that an elite squad of Navy Seals performed an operation that killed Bin Laden. It seems as though someone beat me to the punch – bullet in this case, I guess. That’s fine with me, though. Now I can focus on the other members of this list.

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Written by TFM

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