Predicting 2023 NFL Headlines

The Browns outlasted the Jets in the Hall of Fame game last night, securing a 21-16 win. The lights went out on the field, the over hit at the very end of the game, and the Browns celebrated a meaningless victory. Basically, football is all the way back. As we prepare for this season, there will be many predictions for the upcoming seasons. A bunch of clowns with laptops will predict the winner of your favorite team’s division, the MVP winner, and the eventual Super Bowl champions. 

Instead of giving the same baseless predictions, I have figured out some key headlines that will likely happen in the upcoming NFL season. Here they are, from most likely, to least likely to happen. 

Calvin Ridley’s Gamble on Himself Pays Off…

This one won’t even have to make sense. I simply don’t believe every single ESPN employee will be able to avoid this pun for four months of the NFL season. It’ll either be right after he really hits his stride this season, or if he makes a newsworthy play of any kind after the start of November.

Cowboys Rise to Top Five in Super Bowl Odds

Wait for it. This next part is my favorite NFL tradition.

Cowboys Collapse in the Playoffs, Should Mike McCarthy Be on the Hot Seat

God, I love watching the Cowboys collapse every year. They have one of the most talented rosters in the NFL this year. They might even make a run in the NFC East. Even if they do, a collapse in the first two round of the playoffs will be imminent. Mike McCarthy will suck up to Jerry Jones enough to keep his job, and the cycle of mediocrity will continue.

Browns Name Dorian Thompson-Robinson Starter for Remainder of the Season

DTR was one of the most fun college football players to watch last year. Last night, he showed fans everything they needed to see to know he has NFL star potential. When Deshaun Watson continues to prove that he has always been overrated, Browns fans might actually start to care about some of his allegations. Their season will go down the toilet. When it does the calls for DTR will be loud in Cleveland. And they will be answered via a Deshaun Watson phantom back injury that allows him to call it a season. 

Aaron Rodgers Takes a Bye Week Trip from the Comfort of His Apartment

Aaron Rodgers and psychedelics appears to be the media safety net this upcoming NFL season. In the past it was Antonio Brown’s mishaps, or Rob Gronkowski’s Instagram. If you think this story line is tired now, just wait until Hard Knocks starts.

Patrick Mahomes Tells Reporters About Their “McDouble and Fries” Trick Play

Andy Reid is good for a few things every NFL season. A few of them are his implementation of ridiculous trick plays, and his love for cheeseburgers. I think it’s about time he combines these two passions.

Jalen Hurts Wins First Ever Unanimous MVP

The only reason I’m not more confident in this, is because I’m too lazy to look up if this has ever happened. He’s a lock for MVP.

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Written by TFM

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