Quickest Ways to Lose an Argument

In something that should come as a shock to absolutely no one, I’m a big fan of word duels (what you plebeians may call “arguing”). I like to consider myself somewhat skilled when it comes to debate, but my true talent is being able to eviscerate my foes when they make even the slightest of mistakes during rebuttal. If you’re looking to end a disagreement with no need to logically prove you’re correct, here are some of the quickest ways for someone to lose an argument.


If you plan on arguing with me, your sentences better be free of any filler words, repetition of syllables, and mispronunciations. That’s because the second that a person goes, “Um uh uh,” while arguing, they’ve lost. The simple response of, “Don’t ever stutter when you talk to me,” will bring the debate to a close and crown you the winner.

Weird Profile

This one only functions on internet debates, but it might be the easiest way to shame the other stranger ranting in Schefter’s most recent tweet into silence. If a person is disagreeing with you online and has one of these things in his or her bio, you’ve won: shirtless profile picture, anime profile picture, pronouns, astrology signs, an inspirational quote, or anything along the lines of “God First” with some stupid emoji. It’s over.

Incorrect Grammar

I try not to be too much of a grammar nazi, but that will go out the window the second you and I are arguing. You could have every fact and piece of scientific evidence, but if you hit me with “based off” instead of “based on” or type “your” when you mean “you’re,” you might as well throw yourself down a flight of stairs because hospitalization is the only way you’ll escape me destroying you for it.

Claiming You’re, “Not Flustered”

I often like to throw in little jabs that are unrelated to the content of an argument, but very much related to how I can win it. My old roommate, a kid named Shane (who is on my Instagram if you read this and want to DM him “flustered”), was the easiest target for this. Anytime we disagreed, I claimed he was, “flustered!” He would then deny it. That’s it. That’s how you win. All there is to do after that is hammer home that your opponent is flustered, and even if they weren’t at first, they soon will be, making you the victor.

Be a Woman

I’m totally joking. It would be so wrong of me to say that I can out-argue any woman because I’m smarter than every female. That would be super sexist, which is something I would never do.

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Written by TFM

One Comment

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  1. Also: declare that anyone who disagrees with you is a racist. Don’t worry if race has nothing to do with the subject of your argument. In a pinch, virtually any word ending in “-ist” or “-phobe/phobic” will do.

    Also: Godwin’s Law. If you don’t know, Google it.

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