The late, great John Madden once said, “Ah, I love football, and what not, and so on and football, and ah, I just love football.” I might’ve misremembered that quote, but the sentiment stands.
Eagles vs. Vikings
The defending NFC champion Eagles are 2-0, but more importantly, the Vikings are 0-2. The Vikings look like a team that will be playing from behind all season, so Justin Jefferson is going to put up 2,500 yards.
Bengals vs. Ravens
Fantasy managers everywhere are punching air and blaming Cincinnati for their 0-2 starts to the season. Without even smoking a cigar, Lamar Jackson was easily the coolest quarterback in this game.
Lions vs. Seahawks
The Lions can talk all they want, but playing with Jared Goff under center can only take you so far. David Montgomery also got hurt in this game, which meant that we finally got a chance to see the Lions talented young running back, Craig Reynolds.
Texans vs. Colts
Anthony Richardson is Jesus, if God’s son was prone to concussions. He looked fantastic before suffering a head injury on his second touchdown of the day. He did more in a quarter than Stroud did in a full game.
Buccaneers vs. Bears
People love hating Baker Mayfield and Justin Fields. One of those quarterbacks deserves it, and it’s not Baker. I don’t know one thing Baker Mayfield does above average, yet he is a solid NFL quarterback. Meanwhile, Justin Fields does one thing well, and he’s what Twitter thinks Lamar Jackson is.
Jaguars vs. Chiefs
People who like betting the over, (everyone) got a tough game here. Two allegedly high scoring offenses got into a punting contest. In other news, Chris Jones is back, and now teams can’t run on the Chiefs anymore.
Falcons vs. Packers
Through six quarters of football this year, Jordan Love looked like a sufficient Aaron Rodgers replacement. Then the Packers stopped playing offense, and left the door wide open for the Falcons. The Falcons move to 2-0, and are ready to accidentally win their division.
Bills vs. Raiders
Josh Allen isn’t as bad as he looked on Monday night against the Jets. He’s also not as good as he looked against the Raiders. No one is. Props to him for waiting until I wasn’t playing him in fantasy to turn it on for the season, though.
Titans vs. Chargers
Brandon Staley is about as useful as a sticker on an apple. He’s not. I don’t know how many dead Brandon Staley drives Justin Herbert needs to revive with his right arm before they give him a coach, but he has to be approaching that number. Also, the Titans are exactly what we thought they are.
Rams vs. 49ers
Puka Nacua. Puka Nacua. Puka Nacua. Puka Nacua. Puka Nacua. Every time I spelled his incredible name represents three of his catches from his game against the 49ers. San Francisco was always going to win this game, but how about the well-named rookie making it interesting?
Cardinals vs. Giants
Through three halves of football, the Giants trailed opponents 60-0. In their fourth half, they put it together and beat up the Cardinals for their biggest comeback in my dad’s lifetime. It was a weird game, between two teams who are probably going to lose a lot this year.
Cowboys vs. Jets
The Jets offense went down last week, which deprived us a good game, and a potential Dallas loss. Also, I’m done being impressed by Micah Parsons beating offensive tackles one-on-one. Double team him, or blame your loss on the offensive coordinator. Looking at you here, Nathaniel Hackett.
Broncos vs. Commanders
Honestly, does anyone know if Russell Wilson is actually a good quarterback? I don’t even know anymore. He looked great in the first half. In the second half, he looked like a less developed twin of the quarterback from the beginning of the game. He then completed a hail mary as time expired, but missed the two-point conversion. Broncos’ country, let’s ride?
Patriots vs. Dolphins
Why hasn’t the NFL media started exclaiming, “TU-AAAH” in their best Al Pacino voices yet? Either way, the Dolphins are filthy. The Patriots found enough offense in the second half to make it interesting, but the Dolphins are too fast. Expect us.