When I woke up yesterday, the stretchiness in my pants resembled that of my morning routine in high school. Unlike my youth, this was inspired by the return of football, and not a perpetual desire to be touched by a woman. I parked my butt on the couch, and was soothed by the sweet sounds of Scott Hanson. It was a glorious day, but a lot happened. I’d like to think I managed to see all of it though, so here is a roundup of week one from NFL RedZone.
Bengals vs. Browns
Joe Burrow looked bad. For example, his opposing quarterback threw this pass, and still played a much better game. Also, that guy has more sexual assault cases than passing touchdowns in the past few years, so Burrow would’ve gotten the benefit of the doubt if possible. Starting anyone other than Nick Chubb from this game was a fantasy mistake. The Browns aren’t this good, and the Bengals aren’t this bad. Weird game.
Texans vs. Ravens
CJ Stroud’s first career completion was to himself. Quiz your friends with that one. The Ravens spent the entire first half determined to let the Texans into this game. After paying Lamar Jackson and Odell Beckham Jr. enough money to hydrate all of Africa this offseason, Zay Flowers was the bright spot on their offense. The Texans are going to lose a lot this year.
Buccaneers vs. Vikings
Welcome to the Bake show ladies and gentleman. No team wants him to be their starting quarterback, and I get that. But why are people still surprised when he wins games. The dude has a decent arm, and tries to run over guys who outweigh him by forty plus pounds. He made the Bucs more fun to watch than Tom Brady ever has. Also, Kirk Cousins is still the most vanilla football player of all time.
Panthers vs. Falcons
You can tell how much a football fan someone is by how much they like watching disgusting NFC South matchups. Bryce Young flashed his talent, but needs to learn a ton before he will be capable of holding up this Panthers team completely devoid of offensive talent. Desmond Ridder did enough to make them the favorite to win football’s worst division.
Cardinals vs. Commanders
I’ve watched my roommates call better games in Madden than both of the coaches in this game. That means the NFL needs to loosen up their weed laws, or these teams are going to lose a lot of games this year. Or both. The Cardinals were as bad as expected. They have few bright spots on this team. On the other side of the field, Sam Howell is a bad quarterback. As an Eagles fan, I very much look forward to playing him twice.
Jaguars vs. Colts
If Trevor Lawrence is God in Jacksonville, Calvin Ridley is Jesus Christ. That combination is going to be problematic for the NFL this year. Also, the Colts have to clean up a lot of mistakes, but Anthony Richardson looked as comfortable as a quarterback can in his first game. When he did make a mistake, he was visibly upset at himself. Anthony Richardson might be the most accountable player in the league, but he is definitely my new favorite player.
49ers vs. Steelers
The 49ers are what we thought they are. Their defense dominates all three levels. All off season people asked if Brock Purdy was a franchise quarterback. He quickly showed that it doesn’t matter. He is good enough to get the ball to their weapons, which is his only job. Also, Patrick Peterson guaranteed an interception in this game. Before he should’ve retired due to age. Now he should retire due to embarrassment.
Titans vs. Saints
RedZone could’ve replace this with a meaningless baseball game, and Derrick Henry fantasy owners are the only ones who would’ve cared. The quarterback play on both sides of the ball was so average it looked like an ACC game. The Saints won, 16-15. Chris Olave looked good, and he was probably the only one.
Raiders vs. Broncos
Sean Payton talked all offseason, and then took on a team that doesn’t have enough money to fire their coach. He still lost. Despite this, Russell Wilson looks like a real quarterback again. The defenses played surprisingly well in this one, but neither team particularly inspired their fan base with this one.
Eagles vs. Patriots
The Eagles got out to a hot start, opening with a 16-0 lead in the first quarter after a pick six and a forced fumble. After that, they stopped playing offense for the most part. Their offense was stale, and largely ineffective. Meanwhile, Mac Jones settled in after a rough start and diced up the Eagles defense. The Eagles losses at linebacker and safety allowed Hunter Henry to purchase real estate in the middle of the field, but the birds escaped with a win.
Rams vs. Seahawks
Matt Stafford appears to be back. Without any real receiving threat, he still moved the ball down the field to dominate the Seahawks on the road. Seattle couldn’t get anything going all day, so DK Netcalf took out his anger with a cheap shot on a Rams’ DB. Boring game.
Dolphins vs. Chargers
Social media fans are punching air over this one. Without question, Tua outplayed Justin Herbert. After they found themselves down early on, Tua just kept moving the ball down the field. He put every throw on the money, and scored when they needed it most. He’s a fantastic QB, and it’s about time he gets credit for it. Also, no defense was played in this game.
Packers vs. Bears
Aaron Rodgers left Green Bay, and the Bears still can’t beat them. Justin Fields did not look good running, or throwing the ball, and despite investing a ton of money into their defense, Jordan Love carved them up without his number one receiver. Jordan Love looked really good.
Cowboys vs. Giants
Everything that could’ve gone the Cowboys way did. They won 40-0. I stopped watching at half time and instead rewatched the underrated Andy Samberg classic, Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping. It was less predictable.