Stories Of The Week

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At TFM, we love sharing the fucking ridiculousness and debauchery that our followers experience during their nights out. Unfortunately, not every crazy story can be communicated through a 20 second Instagram video. These are the stories that happen when you are too incapacitated, that is too crazy at the moment to whip your phone out, or legally require anonymity. We have been changing the format of these Craziest Stories blogs as more people are submitting them so thank you. Here’s one that certainly deserves its own blog. Please excuse the constant grammatical errors and word choice as this man does not deserve any proofreading by us.


So one night the fellas and I are into a 26 each of Budwisers, a famously Canadian whiskey and I’m talking black label none of that white label bullshit. Maybe even a special blend, it doesn’t really matter but adds to it. I myself am notorious for not being able to handle my whiskey without causing a ruckus or ending a childhood friendship. Tonight I was particularly thirsty.  About 2/3 into the bottle we decide it’s time for a smoke session at our buddy’s place a few blocks over. This in hindsight was not the greatest idea. We get there, do the deed and decide it is time to head back home at our original drinking place but I had other plans. There are about four of us heading back and I’m in a really destructive mood. They called me Tasmanian Tee for a while after that night. 

I vandalized about 5 properties on one street that night. At the point of me kicking in taillights like they owed me money, most of my friend’s bail.  By the time I am alone, I can see the cherries flashing from a distance. This leads me to a construction site nearby where I do something which at the time seemed genius. I begin to bury myself in a pile of mud. This doesn’t work whatsoever. Afterward, when my mother recounts this story to me she says I claimed “I was trying to be like Arnold in Predator”.  

Fast forward to me avoiding the cuffs in the most psychologically mind-bending manipulative thing anyone has done to a police officer before. In my blackout haze, I recognize the reporting officer as none other than my uncle’s neighbor. I know this man grew up without a father and I myself grew up without a father. Apparently, I gave the most heartfelt speech about acting out for daddy’s attention and this guy totally bought it. I was let off with a warning and having to pay for damages along with an apology letter for the class 5 hurricane of vandalism I had caused.  To this day I count my blessings that I was able to talk my way out of so many blacked-out situations, as fucked up the method.

Judging by the grammar and shitty proofreading skills I’m guessing a lot of that story was probably written while still drunk and covered in mud.

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