Stories of the Week
At TFM, we love sharing the fucking ridiculousness and debauchery that our followers experience during their nights out. Unfortunately, not every crazy story can be communicated through a 20 second Instagram video. These are the stories that happen when you are too incapacitated, that is too crazy at the moment to whip your phone out, or legally require anonymity. So please enjoy…
Emmy:
I went to some frat formal with a guy from another school. We all get trashed like normal and go to some nice hotel on the water. Two of the brothers decide to do one of those flips where you flip over each other. Idk. You know what I’m talking about. Well one of the guys got way too much momentum and flips the other dude so hard he slams his face into the concrete so hard he instantly goes unconscious and limp. I have never heard such a loud crack in my life other than the crack from that kid slamming his skull into that pavement. Everyone is so drunk and just starts screaming that he’s dead. His pledge bro or whatever is then holding his limp ass body in his arms screaming “I killed my brother. He’s fucking dead dude.” Over and over. The girlfriend of the unconscious dude is now talking about much she loved him and how they had so many plans together. We straight up had an instant funeral for this guy. Everyone just freaking out screaming that he’s dead and how great he was as his pledge bro yells into the sunset like some bad death scene in a movie. The kid ended up being fine. Woke up. Gave us the thumbs up and had a nasty concussion and probably a broken nose as far as I know. Once everyone knew he was alive it was like it never happened and we hit the bars which they promptly closed after that incident. Didn’t get kicked out until some other brothers got in a fight with a dude in the front. Good times. Fuck covid for taking them away.
They all switched moods faster than white girls on twitter.
Anonymous:
It was my first year of college in Massachusetts, and just like in high school I was on the rugby team. It was nice because just like in high school it gave me a group of buddies to absolutely get obliterated pretty regularly without looking like too much of an alcoholic or drug addict. So it was the weekend of March 23rd and I was in the middle of hooking up with this community college girl when there was a knock at my door. So I jump up really quick and open the door butt naked with my head sticking out. It was a couple of the boys from the team telling me we were gonna go to providence Rhode Island for the weekend and party with our buddies who had a house at Johnson and Wales University. Naturally, I put on my clothes, threw the girl out, and packed a bag to head out with them. We all chipped in for three kegs and got a bunch of liquor and drugs, etc. the night started off normal, having a few drinks, playing beer pong, few rips of the bong, singing rugby songs, and shooting the boot. And after that a switch flipped, I’m not really sure what caused it, but more girls started piling in, one of our buddies shows up with a bunch of calzone stuff and starts making fresh calzones for everyone, a rapper shows up and starts shooting a music video. For me it gets a little hazy around this part, I start doing keg stands and taking Adderall, then I ended up with a bottle of menthol mint Dr. Mgillicuddys. I remember talking to this girl and getting an invitation for me and three of my buddies to go back to her and her friend’s house for the night, and as I was talking to her I fell down a flight of stairs and found the nearest toilet and pulled the trigger to keep the night going. This is when my friend Matty Ice found me and told me to follow him, so we went across the street into some bathroom in a random house, and started doing a ton of nose candy (I can’t remember the actual amount) but when we were finished we went back to the party and I got a new bottom menthol mint and drank it as fast as I could. Then I blacked out for a little bit. Snapped to with my buddy Lambo pulling me up off the middle of the kitchen floor and saying we had to go somewhere. So we walk outside the house, it’s me and three of my rugby buddies and a bunch of girls. The first thing I see is a white Ford ranger with cloth seats and naturally, I open the driver’s side door and proceed to piss and puke all over the driver’s side. Then I get thrown in a Uber xl and that’s all I can remember for the night. I wake up in the morning in a random house, butt-ass naked, in a wheelchair with a piece of pizza on my chest and a naturday in my hand. I have no idea where I am or where my clothes or phone or anything is. So I stand up, and start exploring, first familiar sight I find is my friend Lambo passed out in the living room with the Shrek menu on repeat snuggled up to some random chick, I keep moving to look for my stuff. I open up every door in this place and stumble into every room super naked still. Eventually, I find this girl half-clothed, ass up wearing my black “Terps Rugby” hoodie, so I wake her up and ask if I can wear that, explaining I can’t find anything else. So she takes it off and gives it to me and now I am just half-naked, like Winnie the Pooh. I walk back to the kitchen to keep looking when I hear a knock at the door, I go and open it and there are two providence city police officers standing there, they ask what my name is, ask if I’m okay and if I’ve been kidnapped, and proceeded to tell me that my friends back at the other house put out a missing people’s report for the four of us, so I explain that we’re okay and they go on their way, I start walking back up to the room I found my hoodie when Lambo starts laughing uncontrollably. He points out that I just talked to the police half-naked with a giant cum stain on this hoodie I hadn’t noticed and convinced them that everything was okay. I continue to the room and lay down in bed with this girl and fall asleep. I ended up finding the clothes I wore there but no wallet or phone or backpack. A few months later I had to drop out of school, get married, enlist into the coast guard. And 9 months later I was a dad. All in all that night had a little bit of everything to end my young adulthood early and make it go out with a bang.
Who knew rugby went this hard?
Micheal:
So the night starts at the house, just a chill Saturday night on north Jordan. Well after a few bong rips and some beers, my mood changes. Things continue to get more interesting and me and two of my other buddies end up walking some girls back to their sorority house and I decide to take a shortcut through the woods, at this point I really don’t know what I’m doing but I end up behind the Pike house on the extension of NoJo. Being curious, I go up to the door and much to my surprise, the retards left it unlocked. So as anyone would, I walk inside and look around for around 15 minutes. I even got some ice cream and some water out of their fridge. At the time the house was mostly vacant as they were still trying to move in. I ended up dodging some brothers in the house by hiding in the bathroom in one of the stalls at 3o’clock in the morning. At this point I started to tweak and decide it would be best to leave but before that I see one of their composites and decide that it would be a good idea to take it. So I grab it and run out the door I came in to find myself standing in the parking lot in the middle of a huge fucking thunderstorm 2 miles away from my house with a composite. However, I drunkenly miscalculate my route and I end up behind the police station which backs up to the woods. So I back track and end up going into Bill Armstrong stadium in order to avoid the station. Much later, I miraculously run into my friends whom I left walking back to their place. We ended up walking all the way back to my house just realize that I don’t have my credit card in my back pocket, rookie mistake. In my high and intoxicated state I convince myself that I must’ve dropped it in the Pike house and that if I don’t get it they are going to find out who stole their composite and I’m going to jail for burglary. Being paranoid as shit at this point, me and my friends walk the 2 miles back in the rain and go BACK IN and sweep the entire house for the card. Needless to say we don’t find the card and I’m losing my mind. I end up canceling the card that night just to have one of my fraternity brothers find it in our parking lot the next day. So much for the chill night… News flash Pike! A sorority didn’t take your 2019-2020 composite, I did.
Composites are like fucking batons in college
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