Stories Of The Week

At TFM, we love sharing the fucking ridiculousness and debauchery that our followers experience during their nights out. Unfortunately, not every crazy story can be communicated through a 20 second Instagram video. These are the stories that happen when you are too incapacitated, that is too crazy at the moment to whip your phone out, or legally require anonymity. So please enjoy…

OG Bobby Johnson-

Sophomore year- roommate’s girlfriend comes over before she goes to her “friends” house for a girl’s night dinner. Me, my roommate, and my friend, Bill, are playing XBOX Ncaa2k football and doing our thing. Girlfriend says she is pissed at the friend and suggests we take the bottle of Italian dressing and beat off into it before she goes so she can watch her friend eat it in some fucked up shit only a chick could think of. That being said, My friends and I were in. One into the bedroom, closed-door, and did business. Kate aka girlfriend toke the bottle shakes the shit out of it and peaces off to dinner. The boys smoke a blunt and keep playing NCAA. Yes, I know karma has special bottles of salad dressing in hell for all of us.

This is the kind of thing to help break down gender barriers.


Freshman year I was down incredibly bad and I actually replied to a chick’s Snapchat dorm story post saying she was “Trying to meet new people.” I snap her and tell her I’m going to a party and she said she’s down to come with me. We pregame in my dorm and I find out she’s from Massachusetts. We then head off to the party and I’m not really showing her much attention and running around the party talking to other chicks. Then I come up to her again and she says “there you are,” and starts grinding on me. When we get back to my room after the party we start making out, and right before we start having sex I say “I’m going to fuck you like the Titans fucked the patriots in the playoffs.” She said, “I didn’t like that.” Then I proceeded to follow up on my statement and get sweet closure for 28-3. I was born in Atlanta.

What started offsides actually made it to the endzone.


Freshman year it’s Halloween. Had some buddies from high school come to my university. We were pregaming for a frat party. Everyone was pretty trashed. We all were wearing ridiculous costumes. For example, I was dressed as a pint glass of beer. Anyways, I open my dorm door to go to the bathroom and empty my one eyed snake. To my surprise there was 3 police officers standing right outside my door. Instantly I slammed the door shut and asked what I could do for them. They said “how much alcohol is in there?” Naturally, I said there was none. There may have also been some other things in there that we didn’t necessarily want them to find… After being questioned for what seems like decades my friend opens the door. I might add that the expression on his face was priceless. The cops definitely saw all the drinking and now they had probable cause. So now best case scenario was getting a minor in possession considering the other things in the room. As a result of this fiasco we all received Minor in possession of alcohol (330$) in the state of Iowa. Later that night we finally got to the party and when I went outside to piss on the neighbors fence I stepped on a nail. The cherry to top off my fantastic night. I guess whenever I go to take a piss I find trouble.

Peeing is a violation in accordance with the karma gods.

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