At TFM, we love sharing the fucking ridiculousness and debauchery that our followers experience during their nights out. Unfortunately, not every crazy story can be communicated through a 20 second Instagram video. These are the stories that happen when you are too incapacitated, that is too crazy at the moment to whip your phone out, or legally require anonymity. So please enjoy…
A couple of years ago it was my sophomore year in college. All I wanted to do was get hammered and have as many random chicks grind on me in one night as possible. So naturally, it’s a Thursday night and I’m on the prow. I had been drinking since I got out of class. Always pregame the pregame. Go to a pregame, go to like 3 random parties and it seemed like I wasn’t going to get laid so I start heading back to my dorm. Halfway back to my dorm a cop goes “hey”. I keep walking acting like I didn’t hear him. Well, he ends up getting out of the car as I keep walking away and starts telling me “hey stop there”. Well, anyways I was on probation for a drinking charge so my answer to his yelling at me to stop is to run as fast as I can. I had gotten surgery to get my ACL repaired 3 months prior. The dude is gaining on me and my fucking ACL tears again….. At this point I’m on campus, I’m limping and this dick head cop is catching up to me. I made it to this corner with a nice-sized bush and I straight up jumped into the middle of it. The cop had no idea where I went. He kept on looking around with his flashlight and 10 minutes later 3 Tahoe’s are driving on the grass with their lights on looking for me and I’m in the fucking bush. I stayed in that bush for about 2 hours. The cops were still hanging out in the parking lot next to me but I managed to sneak around the building and back to my dorm. My roommate didn’t give a shit when I got back at 4 am and I got right back in my bed covered and dirt and passed out. To this day my parents think I slipped down a staircase and tore my ACL. Little do they know.
How could this cop couldn’t catch up to a kid with a TORN ACL!?
Junior year, we’re hanging out at the frat house, playing beer pong and whatnot, into the wee hours of the morning. The last thing I vaguely remember is stumbling up the stairs, being escorted by a certain frat brother to his room to crash in his bed for the night. Now, this frat brother was known for getting fucked up and doing crazy shit and is notorious for pissing in dresser drawers, lazy boys, etc, so I don’t feel bad about this next part. It’s 11 am, I wake up a bit disoriented but quickly realize that The bed is covered in piss and that I am laying in it, so naturally, I get up, flip the mattress, go back to sleep, and never speak of it again. A couple of months pass and this certain brother and I are hanging out once again at the frat house. We are going back and forth talking shit to one another when I pull out my ace card. “Oh yeah?” I exclaimed, “well two months ago I pissed in your bed, and you’ve been sleeping in it”, with a triumphant smile he confidently clapped back, “you mother fucker I knew you pissed in my bed, so I flipped the mattress!”
That bed has more piss on it than a baseball stadium urnal cake
Alright, so this story is (literally) a shit show from start to end. Anyway, it was the beginning of freshman year, 2020 in the midst of the fucking covid pandemic. It was labor day weekend, so my roommate and I along with some friends from around my dorm came to my room and we all started drinking and playing pong, so a relatively normal night, nothing over the top. There were probably ten people in my room including me at the time. At some point not too long into the night, I leave the room to go simp for a girl who I know is in one of the other rooms on my floor. After probably about an hour I get a frantic text from my roommate that RAs had knocked on our door and wrote everybody up, but he hadn’t been in the room either because he was helping his girlfriend throw up. Apparently, the kid with mild autism who lived next door to us came over to the party. I should note here that at this point early in the semester we would let him come over to our room because we felt bad and didn’t want to be dickheads, plus we thought he was harmless. Anyway, when the RA knocked, he opened the door and unknowingly invited them in. However, when the RAs announced who they were, the kid proceeded to curse them out and refused to show them his school-issued ID. This only escalated the situation and encouraged the RAs to write us up even more. By the time I came back to the room, everyone was gone. So, naturally, I drank the remainder of everybody’s drinks shoved under beds and in my closet and headed back out for round two. I went over to one of the other dorms, snuck in, then proceeded to black out there and somehow walk myself back to my dorm at some odd hour of the night. I have zero recollection of this walk (I do have a great Snapchat video of me walking or at least trying to). The next morning I woke up to my roommate telling me that someone took a shit in the hallway across from our door. The next part of this story I have never told to anyone, so god forbid any of my friends or my girlfriend happen to stumble across this story. I went to the bathroom and discovered skid marks on my underwear. Apparently, when I got back I managed to drop my pants and drop a shit in the middle of the hallway. Lucky for me, the autistic boy next door claimed the shit to be his own and told the entire building. By some miracle, when our school’s community standards committee met with us about the violation, they never checked the cameras which would have likely seen me dropping a fat deuce in the middle of the hallway. The cherry on top of all of this: community standards kicked us out of the dorms for the remainder of the semester for the party because it violated covid rules. They did this even after I made it clear to them that I was not in the room. Total bullshit, but I guess in some way I may have deserved it.
Lets just hope that none of your friends read this blog.
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