At TFM, we love sharing the fucking ridiculousness and debauchery that our followers experience during their nights out. Unfortunately, not every crazy story can be communicated through a 20 second Instagram video. These are the stories that happen when you are too incapacitated, that is too crazy at the moment to whip your phone out, or legally require anonymity. So please enjoy…
It was my freshman year shortly before pledgeship started. I won’t incriminate myself by giving out details but I went to a big SEC school, likely the biggest. Anyways had some wings for dinner from a well-known place in town and knew there was an unsanctioned party at the fraternity houses basement that night. I started walking across campus towards the house when my stomach started rumbling. I was far away from the house and couldn’t get in any public building to take a shit. I began to panic. I could see the house when suddenly my butthole gave out to some disgusting shit. It ran down my legs and ruined my shorts. I ran from the fraternity row towards a dark field where I called my roommate to bring me a towel. He came through and we walked back to the dorms where I showered then immediately headed out to the house. I ended up meeting a girl at the party and went back to her place that night and laid the wood. Little did she know the position I was in 3 hours before. To this day I still eat at the restaurant and always take precautions before going out at night.
Those wings hazed you more than your frat ever could.
It was my third night living at college and my roommates and I got absolutely shitfaced. Once everyone left our apartment at around 1:30 am I decided I was hungry so I was just gonna make some microwave Kraft Mac n Cheese you know real fucking Gordon Ramsey right. It was one of the paper cheese packets I could’ve just ripped it open but I wanted to be precise so I wanted to use scissors. I couldn’t find the scissors so I ended up taking a kitchen knife and stabbing straight through the cheese packet while I was holding it up and I sliced clean through my finger. I was bleeding for about a half-hour, put on 7 bandaids, and even tied a tourniquet with a shoelace to stop the bleeding but nothing worked. Eventually, I agreed to get help and we banged on my RAs door at 2 am until she opened up. It was the first time meeting my RA so it was a solid first impression nothing like a piss-drunk freshman with a finger sliced open bleeding on the floor standing in front of you for the first time. She takes me and my roommate into her room and calls the EMTs as well as the school police to check my ID and stuff I don’t really know. Police get there and while the EMTs are talking to me about the situation the cop asks to see my ID. Knowing I couldn’t grab my wallet without getting everything bloody I agreed to let the cop reach into my pocket to grab it. He pulls my fake ID out from behind my real ID didn’t even look at the real one and he kinda gives me that disappointed dad looks only to say he was in a fraternity in college and used to have a fake himself and wouldn’t get me in trouble other than throwing the ID away. Time passes and eventually, the EMTs gave my roommate and me the option to either drive to the hospital or take an ambulance, and of course, we took the ambulance but once we got to the hospital I kept telling the doctors I was sober not knowing they were testing my blood. I swear on Lance Armstrong’s missing testicle that the nurse was flirting with me that whole time. I should’ve gone back for a follow-up appointment. Finally ended up getting a ride back to my apartment from the hospital with the same cop who took my fake at 3:45 am only to see him 2 weeks later walking around campus when he tried interrogating me on where I got my fake from. Of course, my rapper name isn’t Tekashi 6IX9INE and I kept my mouth shut but now I have permanent nerve damage in my left middle finger from a thing of microwave mac n cheese.
Gotta make some more Mac n Cheese so you can close with that nurse.
The boys needed bud on 420 and I was in my beautiful state of CA. I hope on a plane totally stoned with my magic “luggage” get to OKC airport and made our way back to the house for 420. We conclude to pile up every single piece of cannabis in a 5 feet radius and begin to speak up. I mean all different types of shit anyway you can smoke it we did it. We took a break right around 5 pm to get Korean BBQ and we smoke a joint outside the restaurant. Just before we head in, we meet a dude who we more than welcomed to take a hit from our joint and quickly had to leave cause he had work. We sit down and guess who’s our server? Fucking Brandon! He hooks us up with the meat plates and takes occasional shots in between rounds of meat. At this point, we got boys half-asleep others throwing up in a storm ditch outside a Korean BBQ place. I recall vaguely in all my crossness asking a server for a lighter inside the restaurant to light a cigarette because for some reason I thought I was in a Vegas floor casino. They didn’t let me smoke the cigarette but we ended up taking shots with the entire non-English speaking Koren staff. It truly shows how a simple joint can take a group of brothers down an incredible 420 Journey. Stay classy TFM
You stay classy too, you sexy fuck.
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