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At TFM, we love sharing the fucking ridiculousness and debauchery that our followers experience during their nights out. Unfortunately, not every crazy story can be communicated through a 20 second Instagram video. These are the stories that happen when you are too incapacitated, that is too crazy at the moment to whip your phone out, or legally require anonymity. So please enjoy…
So it started out with a long weekend bender full of Xanax, whippets, and wubs… no complaints yet… However, I had a flight Sunday morning at 9, and I realized this at 3:30 am neck deep in whippets and the epitome of Mt Everest of course mixed with some crushed-up Xanax, short story long here… I’m fucked. In my right mind at the time I hit a quick hour power nap that ended up being 5 with an hour before my flight, the homie looking out for me, did not want to have a shitty time on the plane so he slipped 3 more bars in my bag. Next thing I know I’m going through TSA trying to look straight and get a water bottle out of my bag and find 3 more sticks that don’t usually go well past TSA or police so my spectacular decision thinking said to eat them, all. so I’m posted now at my gate, somehow stumbled through security and get escorted on the flight first cause I’m like 16 or something at the time, then when it can’t get worse it got a lot worse, we took off, I blacked started blowing juul clouds and trying to fight the flight attendants than air marshal without knowing anything, we landed and I woke up feeling like a million bucks still a little barred out, and everyone around me just started dying laughing, next thing I know I get off the plane and have a paramedic crew and 6 officers staring at me like I committed treason, so I look the other way and walk faster till the officer yanked me over and forced some blood work to see what I was on, and when the real guinness in me came out, is when I responded with “melatonin, I get anxious on flights” that mf couldn’t say a thing, so then he walked me to my mom’s car and said some bs that I couldn’t understand, and was then banned from flying alaska for a year.
I’ve never heard of someone being jetlagged ON the plane.
I was going to college in New York at the time but I came home to Texas for spring break. It was my last night before I had to fly back so I called up my friends and ran to the store to get two cases of boxed wine. We headed out to my buddy Ross’s 800-acre ranch in the middle of nowhere. We end up playing some beer pong and Texas hold ‘em when Ross says “let’s go driving”. Not on public roads, just around his property. We’re dumb, but not that dumb. We end up driving along this fence next to this field where his family had like 50 head of cattle. He starts flooring it when out of the darkness a cow appears in the middle of the path and we hit it square in the back legs. I hop out and the poor cow is flailing on the ground, legs were broken, probably had internal bleeding. The front of his car was smashed to hell – grill, bumper, lights, fenders, hood. The front end was absolutely mangled. I get behind the wheel to drive back to the house and I can see it in the distance when the car grinds to a stop. I jump out into like 6 inches of mud and realize the car is stuck. We walk like half a mile back to the house soaking wet so one of my friends could go to his car and tow it out. We eventually get it out, but the tow car’s drivetrain gets fucked up. It was able to drive but not safely. All told, between the dead cow, and two fucked up cars, we probably did like $20k of damage in one night. Some real cowboy shit.
Cows are inherently sneaky.
So, let me start with the fact that on the day when this story happened nothing was different. Just a plain boring day, 85 or so degrees outside but everything changed when the fire nation atta… ok, we just decided to go to a bar. It was me and two of my other frat bros who decided to make ourselves miserable and get obliterated for no reason and that’s amazing you would think but hear what happened next. At around 1 AM we were finishing our 12th or so drink (jack) when one of our brothers decided to join our festivities. He was also drinking since around 7 PM so this man was already fucked. We downed a few more drinks before the bar was about to close at 2 AM (yeah, Texas yeehaw) when one of the girl bartenders came to us saying it’s her birthday so we should come to her place to celebrate it. Being courageous, happy as we found a move, and barely seeing things at that point we chased our chance. Once we arrived it was decided to stay by the pool to get a few more drinks AND that’s where we met another group of army guys who were also at the bar and who also were invited to the celebrations. Their faces didn’t express any happiness seeing us but we all were drunk so no one gave a shit but there was another girl with them who wanted to jump in but the army boys were hesitating to get in. That’s when my brother who came last to the bar decided to apprehend that lady and was like, “baby I will jump with you in”. Let me tell ya, that’s when my drunk brain realizes that something is going to go wrong tonight. So, they jumped in the pool and spent a few mins there before getting out. By that time the bartender girl came back to us saying we all can go back to her apartment. Once we got in I decided to talk to the army guys and one of their names was Jack Daniels (yeah yeah I know) and of goddamn course, they had a bottle of Jack with them. I guess because I was trying to show them off how the frat boys can outdrink army I offered them to play a game of slaps (slapping contest, put “stone faces” on youtube to see what it is) and they agreed. So it was me with two army guys who were ready to go and we started. The rules are simple: on your turn, you take a shot of jack and slap the guy on your right. A few rounds of this game were played before the army guys said they can no longer play nor drink, so I was the fucking champ with a little bruise under my eye. By that time two original drinking brothers already left and I was flirting with the bartender girl looking for some fun the same night so the third brother decided to walk back home at 4-5 AM being dead drunk. The next thing I remember is me opening my eyes in the bed when this girl is trying to wake me up saying that I need to go to work. It was the worst hangover but I got all my belongings and quickly left the place without even knowing her name. While waiting for an Uber I decided to call my brother to see how he got home and the first thing I hear is, “I woke up in the fucking bushes at a golf course at 7 AM 3 miles from my house”. That’s when I realized that drinking too much is fun but sometimes you wake up in unexpected places such as a bed of a random girl from a bar, or freaking bushes by the golf course.
P.S. What about army guys you might think. I actually got along with the Jack Daniels dude and we went to the bars quite a few times after that remembering this story and getting fucked up yet never going as hard as that time before he got deployed overseas. So yeah, this is pretty much the story. In Phi!
Who knew people in the army were pussies too?
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