I’m hungry and bored, so that means I’m gonna talk about food. I’ve already told you guys the best thing to order at every fast food restaurant, but now I’ve decided to do so with real sit down places too. So, this is the best thing to order at every chain restaurant. I used the top ten largest chains from this list and excluded anything without a waiter. With all that said, let’s get into it.
#10. Red Lobster: Cheddar Bay Biscuits
I mean, this was obvious. I’m allergic to shellfish and I still absolutely love Red Lobster. Trust me, I don’t go for the microwaved fish sandwich which happens to be one of three possible things I could eat. Instead, I return time and time again just to feast on the cheesy, buttery goodness that are the Cheddar Bay Biscuits. You know what, I’m just gonna come out and say it. Red Lobster has the best bread game out there. There it is. Debate me all you want, but just know if you think otherwise you are a stupid idiot.
#9. Outback Steakhouse: Bloomin’ Onion
Let’s be real, although they do serve steaks, no one refers to Outback as a steakhouse. Do I get an 11 oz sirloin when I go there? Sure, but mostly because it’s only $14 and comes with two sides (my rabbi taught me never to pass up a good bargain). However, the real reason I am even at Outback in the first place is for the Bloomin’ Onion. I love onion rings just as much as the next guy, but those don’t compare to the majesticness of the Bloomin’ Onion. The shape, the sauce, the grease — everything about it is just divine.
#8. Denny’s: Build Your Own Grand Slam
I know this seems like a cop out, but hear me out. 99% of the clientele at Denny’s are under some sort of influence. Most of the time it’s post-club drunk eats at 4am. However, there are some crackheads dining in the establishment at 4pm as well. Regardless, odds are if you are at Denny’s your mental state has been altered. That means you have some craving of some sort. That is the beauty of the Grand Slam. It is completely customizable, yet always delicious. Want some pancakes, bacon, and eggs? No problem. Just want a boatload of pancakes? Get triple pancakes. You are the boss. You are in charge. You control the power.
#7. Texas Roadhouse: Rolls and Peanuts
Is this cheating? I’m gonna say no because they bring you both of them at the same time. If you haven’t had a Texas Roadhouse roll before, you haven’t lived. It’s right up there with Red Lobster’s biscuits in terms of quality. Yet, instead of a savory cheese flavor, TR rolls are sweet and melt in your mouth. Combine that with endless peanuts and the fact they’re free, and you have yourself one of the best meals on the planet.
#6. Cracker Barrel: Fried Stuff with Biscuits
You can’t go wrong at Cracker Barrel. That is, unless you forget to get a biscuit. Most things at Cracker Barrel are phenomenal. That’s because most things happened to be fried. Country fried steak? Tremendous. Chicken tenders? Classic southern food from the heart. Even a hash brown casserole will have you drooling over. My point is that everything is awesome. Yet, one thing stands above the rest: biscuits. I know I already put a biscuit on this list. So what? Sue me. CB has flaky, buttery biscuits that transport you back to grandma’s house. However, they pair best with something greasy, hefty, and cholesterol-filled so make sure to order something golden brown to go with them.
#5. Chili’s: Molten Chocolate Cake
This was by far the hardest choice to make. I could’ve given this to the Big Mouth Bites or Skillet Queso, but I just couldn’t resist the moist, chocolatey glory of the Molten Chocolate Cake. I swear I could eat about five of these by myself. Everything from the lava filled cake to the vanilla ice cream is pure perfection. Seriously, I wouldn’t be shocked to find out that black tar heroin is a key component of Chili’s molten cake. That’s just how addictive it is.
#4. IHOP: Pancakes
Remember when IHOP changed its name to IHOB for like a month? Well, don’t worry, I would never order a burger at a pancake establishment. IHOP is always coming out with limited time, creative menu additions. Many of them are often spectacular. However, nothing beats a classic buttermilk pancake. They also give you flavored syrups which are absolutely godly. My favorite is the butter pecan, but the strawberry is fabulous as well.
#3. Buffalo Wild Wings: Anything Asian Zing
I love wings, and to be completely honest I am not the biggest Bdubs fan. The wings are good and the atmosphere is pretty fun to watch a game, but everytime I go I feel like I spend $45 to wait two hours for my food. That said, they make a hell of an asian wing sauce. Asian Zing is one of the best sauces out there. Period. I’m talking about Chick-Fil-A Sauce and Cane’s Sauce level quality. Genuinely, I could eat it with a spoon. The only reason people don’t put Asian Zing in the same category is because it comes served over a mediocre wing. Next time you’re at a BWW, go ahead and dip some fries in Asian Zing. It’ll change your life forever.
#2. Olive Garden: Breadsticks
Listen up, just because Olive Garden is number two on this list, doesn’t mean they’re bread is superior to the chains that have come before. Again, the only reason Olive Garden made it to this part of the list is because they have more locations. It has nothing to do with quality. Both Texas Roadhouse and Red Lobster blow Olive Garden out of the water when it comes to bread. Hell, even Outback does and their bread isn’t even their best item. With all of that out of the way, Olive Garden does have some good breadsticks. They’re salty and taste like a stick of butter. They are delicious, but thankfully come with unlimited soup and bread because they can get a tad dry. One more time, if you disagree with my bread takes, that is fine. I just need you to know that you suck.
#1. Applebee’s: Happy Hour Drink Specials
Like Buffalo Wild Wings, I’m not the biggest fan of Applebee’s. Sorry to your neighborhood faithfuls, but I just don’t love the food. However, their happy hour is fantastic. From 3pm-6pm and 9pm-close, Applebee’s does 50% off select drinks and appetizers. That means you can get a double long island iced tea for about $5. If you do that math, you could leave blackout drunk for about $20, or buzzed with snacks for around $15. Now that is one hell of a deal.