Thank god the Hall of Fame game is on tonight, because the internet seriously needs something else to talk about. This was clearer than ever today, as Mia Khalifa had gone viral for her advice on marriage before I had even woken up this morning. I was fine with the idea of a below-average adult film star telling me about her experiences with marriage. This was until I heard her actually talk. If you haven’t seen the video, her advice is worse than you were imagining. I promise.
She starts off by referring to herself as the Tom Brady of marriage. First of all, Mia, you aren’t Tom Brady. Your two marriages hardly make you the GOAT. Tom Brady has seven rings. If you are glorifying divorces, Elizabeth Taylor is the “Tom Brady of this.” Her eight marriages are actually impressive. That even covers her in this analogy if Brady decides to come back for one more run. Securing two divorces before you are thirty puts you in Patrick Mahomes’ category at best.
She tells the story of each divorce, as well as her recent failed engagement. Mia frames her story as an inspiration for women to leave an unhappy relationship. She also kept the ring from her most recent engagement. This allowed her to share financial inspiration with the world as well. She doesn’t need men to live a happy life, but she can squeeze them for a few thousand in a pinch. All she has to do is get engaged to them.
Moving past Khalifa’s unearned ego, her advice is so flawed I don’t think I know a word strong enough for it. I almost feel the need to call it something a twelve-year-old calls someone they killed in Fortnite. Dog water feels closer to the advice she gave than a classic word such as terrible.
Her insight from her marriage experience is that it’s ok to get divorced. This would play different if she didn’t stop in the middle of telling her story, to flex a financial gain she took off of one of the guys who never thought about what was above her neck. When I first saw this video, I was a little alarmed that Khalifa was bragging about cleaning up in a bunch of divorce settlements. After she bragged about keeping a ring that her ex-fiance got her, all doubt left on the subject left my mind.
A larger issue with the world that is demonstrated by Khalifa in this video, is the tone of her voice. Women have pointed out the tendency for guys to, “mansplain” things in recent years. That is fine, and I guess true. But if that’s the case, I think it’s equally fair to call out women for their, “boss b**chiness.” You know what I’m talking about. It’s the voice a woman uses when she makes her point and considers you too sexist to give a valuable opinion. It’s the one Khalifa masters in this video.
While I’m talking about Khalifa, I want to bring up the hilarious diss track two YouTubers made about her a few years ago. There was no real reason for them to make the video, and the song is horrible. Despite this, a random diss track at an adult film star remains hilarious, and that,
“Hit or miss” line still goes pretty hard.
With all of this being said, congrats on your empowerment, Mia. I hope you take all the money you have earned from divorce lawyers and pawn shop ring sales and buy yourself something nice to celebrate.