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At TFM, we love sharing the fucking ridiculousness and debauchery that our followers experience during their nights out. Unfortunately, not every crazy story can be communicated through a 20 second Instagram video. These are the stories that happen when you are too incapacitated, that is too crazy at the moment to whip your phone out, or legally require anonymity. We have been changing the format of these Craziest Stories blogs as more people are submitting them so thank you. Please enjoy…
So one time I tell you that I had a girlfriend freshman and sophomore year. We dated all the way through then whenever it came down to business I had to cut it off before Gulf Shores Spring Break. So I go down and do my thing and we go our separate ways. We come back to school for online classes and here comes the ex with this new guy (complete cheesedick). Better yet he went to high school with me. So I go through the semester and all of a sudden we have a fraternity function and afterward we hit the other bars around. So this fucker comes up to me talking shit and of course, I just laugh at this dude because he might’ve been the biggest pussy I’ve ever met. However, a week later I’m walking out of the same bar and my buddy stayed behind and told me he saw this fucker punch my ex in the dome after I walked out because they were apparently beefing. So the next night a Saturday, I’m really keeping my eyes open for this fucker. It was a long day here in the SEC with a night kick and all-day tailgating. I get back from the tailgate and start sniffing inhumane amounts of artificial sobriety and roll to our house where I muster up a band of about 4 guys. My buddy from high school told me where the kid lived so I paid a little visit. We went in and I kicked the living fuck out of him and went home.
The next day is NFL Sunday and we hit the pool before the panthers play at 4:25. So I go to the pool and have my share of beverages and hit a little Henry Ruggs III back to my house. And I’ll just say I left my BMW running in the driveway so definitely shouldn’t have been driving. 30 minutes later a knock on the door comes and it’s a police officer arresting me for what I did last night. I go to the county jail and by the looks of it, I am so fucked. I am out of my weight class and am very liable to really learn the punishment of prison. Little did these fuckers know that the scrawny blonde in a Peter millar and bathing suit had a first-degree assault coming down the dick in a 3-0 count. So I somehow escape the jaws of death and get bailed out and begin my legal defense and pack it up with school for the rest of the year because I’m suspended. In all honesty, it comes down to the pops laying down some cash and contacting the best lawyers around for me to somehow escape this fuckery. So at the end of the day here, I am with a clean record, cocaine addiction, and an incoming victory lap before I begin my time as an actual member of society.
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