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The Real ESPY’s

Who cares about the ESPY’s? From a brief Twitter scroll, Pat McAfee gave a PG-13 version of his daily show, LeBron made a melodramatic announcement that surprised no one, and Lil Wayne had a performance that you can see on the internet. Also, some meaningless awards were handed out. I can do that too, guys.

Best Male Athlete: Shohei Ohtani

When Patrick Mahomes gets ten sacks in a season, he can enter the conversation. Until then, Shohei Ohtani is the best professional athlete in the world. The Shohei Ohtani of girlfriends gives great fantasy football advice and looks like Alexandra Daddario. The Shohei Ohtani of boyfriends cares about what his girlfriend’s boss said that day and is educated about the female anatomy. Unfortunately, these people don’t exist, because Ohtani’s versatility is one of a kind.

Best Female Athlete: Caitlin Clark 

Do you remember that two week span where women’s sports wasn’t the butt of the joke on Twitter? If you don’t, it was a magical period in March where Caitlin Clark was easily the most fascinating thing happening in the sports world. She looked like Stephen Curry playing against nineteen-year-old girls, and she kind of was. She still hasn’t answered, but my offer to take her to the Olive Garden in Willow Grove, Pennsylvania is still standing.

Courage Award: Antonio Brown

You can use a lot of words to describe the actions of the future Hall of Famer (we need to start accepting this fact), but the one I am going with is courage. Sure, there were a lot of courageous people in the world of sports this year. Peyton Hillis saved his kids from drowning, but that’s a no brainer compared to quitting the NFL in the middle of a game, and flashing strangers in hotel swimming pools. All of these wild actions took courage. 

Best Team: My Diamond Dynasty Team in MLB The Show 23

No, it wasn’t easy grinding all of those challenges. It was even harder finding people worse than me online so I could get enough wins to finish events. This team might not have accomplished a lot in terms of online game play, but that can easily be attributed to user error. This squad was untouchable if someone with talent was given the reigns. Randy Johnson would’ve won best male performer if his performances weren’t taking place in my basement.

Biggest Moron: Antonio Brown

If the ESPY’s knew how to properly pick a winner, Antonio Brown would’ve been to this year’s show what Succession is to the Emmy’s. Yes, his actions took a lot of courage. But he also threw away a lot of money with his bravery. He lost the remainder of his contract with the Bucs, and the potential of seeing another one with his continued series of shenanigans. It’s a shame, as he still had way more to offer the NFL, but you can’t win biggest moron three years in a row and expect people to forget about it. 

Best Fan: The Opportunistic LSU Baseball Fan

This guy. Some people might not be as encouraged because of his results, but I love this guy’s approach to life. His team was winning, he tried to win. He appeared to take his loss like a champion. If he keeps seeing winning baseball, I think he will find love soon enough. The ESPY goes to this guy all day.

Worst Fan: Any Cowboys Fan

Dear Cowboys fans, you guys suck. It wasn’t your year last year, and it’s not your year this year. The best part about football season is watching how the Cowboys are going to implode this year. The past two years, the Cowboys seasons have ended on a quarterback draw with no time left, and a failed trick play with Ezekiel Elliott at center. This year, the betting favorite is “Trevon Diggs gritty’s across the field as the losing touchdown scores” at +400. Of course, “No implosion,” is trailing by a lot at +40000. Go birds.

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Written by TFM

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