The Stages to a Disappointing Weekend

Friday: 12 PM

Aside from the kid in your group who is more afraid of gainful employment than Magic Johnson was of condoms in the eighties, the boys are at work staring at a clock right now. Someone ignites the groupchat by asking what the moves are for the night. The group throws out different plans for the evening. They are eventually mushed together to create an itinerary of the same pregame as always, as well as a few bars. Everyone individually attempts to contain their excitement as their attention shifts from work to getting plastered.

Friday: 7:30PM

Since going home, half the group smoked a bowl, while the other half worked out. By this time, everyone has finished their personal excursions and grabs 600 calories worth of unmicrowaved leftovers from the fridge. The host is already on his third beer by the time anyone shows up. The gang starts to play beer pong and listen to a shared playlist that hasn’t been touched in well over two years. One guy in the group convinces the girl who friend zoned him and her two roommates to show up, which serves as a defibrillator for the vibe of the group. 

Friday: 11 PM

The group has drank enough alcohol to kill a medium sized bear, or possibly two horses. The girls at the pregame showed no interest in any of the fellas, so the guys all drank way more than intended. Half of the group has been shot down by every girl and a few feminine guys, since their arrival. The other half has been drinking in the corner waiting for their liquid confidence to turn them into someone who isn’t afraid of talking to a human woman. This lack of sexual pursuit leads someone to suggest the next bar. You guys suck at planning, so now you are taking three Ubers to the next spot. 

Friday: 12:30 AM

One of the Ubers didn’t make it to the next bar. You got a text about Kyle throwing up in the back, and everyone deciding to call it a night. The rest of the group is faking the excitement about the night that has not at all gone to plan. Someone offers to buy a round of green tea shots to bring the vibe back up. Someone else buys another round. You buy another. Everything becomes a blur after this. You give yourself a bruise on your left arm, and both legs in this period. You will never find out how.

Saturday: 10 AM

You slept through your grandmother’s birthday brunch as a result of last night’s shenanigans. You walk to the bathroom and treat your dirty faucet like a middle school water fountain and sip it for fourteen seconds. Once you’ve quenched your thirst, you realize your head is also pounding, and your stomach feels like something is living inside of it. These are too many issues to deal with, so you go back to sleep and hope another five hours of rest will cure them.

Saturday: 3 PM

You are feeling better, but still terrible. You lay in bed for another hour while reading the summary of the previous night. Some suggests hitting a happy hour later. This means you need to eat something before running it back. You spend twenty-eight bucks to have Dunkin’ delivered, and smoke a bowl to help with the nausea before it arrives. Since Now You See Me was on when you sat down on the couch, you turn it into a marathon hit the sequel too. You let it claim the rest of your afternoon

Saturday: 8:30 PM

After running back the same pregame, the boys agree to go to an outdoor bar where they can, “have space to hang out.” Everyone claims they’re not trying to get laid after last night’s embarrassing performance. This is total bullshit of course. They occasionally walk through the dance floor and get shutdown by every group of girls. This will lead them to return to the table where they will say there are no hot girls there. Also a lie. They post up at picnic table and discuss the intricacies of Skippy vs Jif peanut butter. This provides a riveting debate that takes them to the next stage of the evening.

Saturday: 12 AM

The boys feel too unlovable to attract a woman, and too drunk to call it a night. This quite literally always ends with someone suggesting a casino trip. It doesn’t matter if it’s next door or thirty minutes away. The group knows this is a bad idea, but the prospect of hitting one number on roulette keeps everyone else interested. An average casino night deserves it’s own blog, so I’ll summarize this in a few key parts. One person starts up $100. Everyone else starts down $100. Everyone loses money until everyone is down. The group is mangled from free casino drinks. Everyone is also out of money. The Uber ride home is sad, but not as sad as the McDonalds that will be delivered to you to round out your expensive day of disappointment. 

Sunday: 11 AM

Waking up feels worse than yesterday. You check your bank account and see enough pending charges to put a good chunk into your student loans. You are ashamed of yourself, emotionally, physically, and mentally. Looking forward to a day of Red Zone is all you have. Until you realize it’s June and your life is a mess. You deal with the acceptance of your disappointing weekend by lying in bed and masturbating until it’s time to go to work again. 

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Written by TFM

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