Billy Madison is the most inspirational movie I’ve ever seen. Going back to school to dominate the classroom in ways I couldn’t as a child is something I’ve always wanted to do. Here are the things from childhood I wish I could do now.
Play Peewee Football
Imagine going back and playing peewee football, but in a twenty-two-year-old’s body. In my youth career, I was stuck on the offensive line due to baby fat. Now, I just have regular fat. Regardless, I’d still be the best athlete on a field by a mile. I’d be a dual threat quarterback and game wrecking defensive tackle, all while calling teenagers names they don’t understand. It would be unbelievably fun.
Play Little League
The attached picture is Barry Bonds 2001 stats, aka half of my hypothetical stats against twelve-year-olds. Look above for why this would be fun.
Middle School Lunch Banter
I don’t think my group of friends in middle school are the only ones who were incessantly brutal to each other. Going to lunch in the grades of six through eight was a verbal warfare that I wasn’t ready for. Young boys are chastised for their athletic ability, outfits, and talking to girls. Showing up with bright red hair didn’t help either. If I went through a Billy Madison style restart with my education, I would probably be considered a bully. I’m not proud of this, but I would verbally destroy a group of sixth graders to feel better about who I was in middle school.
I guess I should call this, eat Lunchables in public. I guess I could go to 7-Eleven and pick one of these up right now. The issue is an adult grabbing a Lunchables gets more dirty looks than making a racially charged joke in a freshman orientation at a small liberal college. I don’t care how much sodium is in them. Offer me some processed lunch meat and a single Oreo inside every sports stadium in the country.
Take Algebra 1 Again
I would just love to walk back into my seventh-grade math teacher’s classroom dancing like John Wall. It would be great to tower above a group of middle schoolers while confidently solving two-step math problems that were so problematic for me in my early education. I’m not saying I’d get a 100 percent in Algebra 1, but I’d be good enough to talk to my old teachers like an equal.
Ding Dong Ditch
Classic mayhem. Always fun. I’d love to ding dong ditch now. But the only people I know who would do it with me have not yet seen a nipple in person yet. This is a plus though, because I could be the fastest person in the group for the first time in my life.
I truly would go back to eighth grade right now if I could.