Thankfully making jokes about the size of my penis and poops is a job. If it weren’t I don’t know what I’d be doing. My complaint is there are some other things that I would be even better at then said penis and poop jokes. Here is a list of things I wish I could get paid for.
Beer Reviewer
Believe it or not, but the twenty-two-year-old guy who spends forty hours a week writing for a site called Total Frat Move enjoys beer (I’m the guy). If someone is needed to sit around and drink copious amounts of beer while reviewing the taste and effects, I could do that with ease. My reviews would range from, “this is pretty good” to, “this is really good.” I already have the addiction gene in my family. I might as well lean into it and turn alcoholism from a family tradition to a profession.
Weed Reviewer
This is pretty similar to being a beer tester. This would involve me giving in depth reviews of the many different varieties of one of my favorite items. The main reason I’m not smoking weed any given time, is so I can earn money to sustain my current weed habit. I could wake up, smoke weed and eat lobster bisque all day. I could write a few sentences, likely containing the words, “shit’s fire.” It would be a lot on my body, but I’m willing to go through the physical toll of being in a constant haze. I just think this would warrant a six-figure salary, mainly so I could afford all the lobster bisque I’d eat.
Movie Reviewer
The best part of this job is the fact that I could hold this down, while simultaneously working the previous two jobs. The worst part of this job is the fact that my ridiculously biased opinions would surely make me unbearable. Either way, I could watch three movies every day, and write passionate thoughts on nearly every one of them. I can write 500 words on why Cocaine Bear represents a renaissance of American cinema. I would surely be wrong, as would many of my other opinions. But it wouldn’t stop me from being highly paid for confidently sharing my thoughts on any movie someone is willing to show me.
Happy Ending Massage Reviewer
I’m starting to think I should just invent time travel so I can go back and invent Yelp. I guess all I want to do is take part in my favorite activities and rate them. This one would be hard, (pun intended) as my reload time would make it tough to hit more than one of these spots in a day (two if I’ve had a particularly good lobster bisque). Despite this, I think I have the dedication to really put this industry and analysis skills on the map.
Lobster Bisque Reviewer
Not many people know this about me, but I love lobster bisque. One of the things I hate most about lobster bisque though, is paying for it. In this job, those table would turn. I would eat lobster bisque, and rank it on a scale of eight to ten. This is because no one has ever made a lobster bisque that is less than an eight out of ten. This would likely be a part time job, as there probably aren’t that many places that need their lobster bisque reviewed.
Please let me know if you, or anyone you know are hiring for one of these jobs. I’m as qualified as anyone. I’ve attached my resume here.
