Things I’d Say on the Internet But Not to my Father

The other day me and my father had an intense discussion about our new dental hygienist, and whether or not we thought she was attractive. Although it appalled my mother, it made me realize that my dad and I are pretty open with what we talk about. Despite this, there are things that I’d put on the internet that I would not say to him. Here is that list.

Also, a quick message to my father if he is reading this. If you choose to read this, it’s on you. If you find it funny, offensive, weird, or anything else, keep it to yourself. I said we shouldn’t talk about this stuff for a reason. 

Statistically speaking, we have similar looking “packages”

This is a tough one for all men to realize. When you look down and are disappointed with what you have to offer, you know who to thank. In other cases, it might be an unspoken form of pride between father and son, but that certainly is not me and him. This is one that is unmentionable for many reasons. 

I’d go with mom if you guys got divorced.

I told you not to read this, dad. I wouldn’t say this to your face because it would likely crush you, but this is the truth. We can still hang out on Sundays in the Fall. But she functions at a much higher level than you do. She’s a better cook than you, and it’s not close. You’re pretty cool too, but this is a no brainer that we should never talk about.

Pete Rose is a bad guy

Hey I know you and your dad said I love you to each other for the first time when the Phillies won the World Series in 1980, and Pete Rose was the key addition that allowed that to happen. Regardless, the gambling thing was not out of character. He did some not-so-great things to minors in his career. Yeah, he can be the hit king and a piece of garbage at the same time. 

You were never making it to the MLB. It didn’t matter that you developed alcoholism in your teens.

Dad, I know you like to tell stories about the time you hit a home run and therefore felt like a god. I know that Pop vouched for you that you were the best player on your seventh grade travel team. It still doesn’t matter. I’ve seen you try to catch a tv remote, and there is simply a level of coordination that separates you from the pros. That being said, I’ll let you have your fun the next time you start this rant, because we all know it’s the quickest way to the end of the conversation. 

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Written by TFM

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